JOKES

Slap Happy

Hamish McTavish walks into an appliance store and asks the price of a remote-controlled TV.
“One dollar,” replies the clerk.
“You've got to be kidding,” says Hamish.
“Listen,” says the clerk, “do you want it or not?” Of course, Hamish gives him the dollar.
On his way out of the store, he sees a big refrigerator. “How much for that?” asks Hamish.
“Fifty cents,” replies the clerk.
Hamish pulls out fifty cents and gives it to the clerk. “What the hell is going on here?” he asks.
“Nothing is going on here,” replies the clerk. “But my boss is at my house with my wife and what he is doing to her, I am doing to his business.”

Willie Weary, a middle-aged businessman, stumbles in to see Doctor Nutcase in his Hollywood surgery,
“Doc, I have got this problem.” confides Willie Weary. “You see, my secretary, Millie, loves to make love. Every morning, when I get to work, instead of bringing me a cup of coffee, she throws me across my desk and makes passionate love to me! Then, just before lunch, she pushes me up against the filing cabinet for a quickie. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she always gives me a farewell screw.”
“Hmmm!” says Doctor Nutcase. “So what seems to be the problem?”
“Well, you see, Doc,” explains Willie Weary, “my wife, Dottie, is a nymphomaniac. Every morning before I get up, she jumps on me and we screw until the alarm clock goes off. Then, when I go home for lunch each day, we have a quick one while I am eating my spaghetti. And then, each night we have a marathon session before we go to sleep!”
“Hmmm!” says Doctor Nutcase. “I still don't see what your problem is!”
“Well, Doctor,” explains Willie Weary, “I get these dizzy spells every time I jerk off!”

Paddy decides to go rabbit shooting, but when he gets to his favourite field he sees the village priest is already there. Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits. Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.
“Easy,” says the priest. “Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out, grab them.”
As this sounds much easier than shooting, Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Maureen giggles, “Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?”

Silverman is killed in an accident and Mendel Kravitz is sent to break the news to his wife.
“Be careful how you tell her,” advises a friend. “She is a very delicate woman.”
Mendel knocks on the door and Mrs. Silverman comes out. “Are you the widow of Silverman?” he asks.
“Certainly not,” she replies.
“Want to bet?” asks Mendel.

In a little shack in the outback of Australia, Bruce, Edna and their daughter Shirley have finished their kangaroo stew dinner and are arguing about who is going to do the washing up.
There's a big fight, and finally Bruce suggests that they all lie down on the floor and the first person to move does the dishes.
The same night, Hamish MacTavish is driving his old pick-up nearby, when the radiator overheats. He sees the shack and walks over there to get some water.
Going into the shack, he finds everyone lying on the floor, so he decides to help himself to water. On his way to the kitchen, he steps over Shirley, and in a moment of passion, jumps on her and fucks her.
He gets up from Shirley and finds Edna on the kitchen floor. The temptation is too great for Hamish and he jumps on Edna too.
Then he takes some water back to his truck, but while he is filling the radiator, he burns his arm.
Hamish rushes into the shack and cries out, “Have you got any vaseline?”
Hearing this, Bruce jumps up and yells, “Okay, okay! I will do the dishes!”

[Okay, Okay! There aren't many jokes. So sue me. Better yet, visit Samsara, Sannyas List Jokes (neither certified Osho jokes) or get Vimal's book!]

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