Freeing My Sexuality

Community, Relationship and Osho

by Sw Divyam Kushad

“When I use the word ‘sexuality,’ I don’t just mean genitality. The genital is only one very very tiny experience and expression of the sexual. The sexual is a very great thing. By sexual I mean whenever your body is alive, sensuous, throbbing, pulsating – then you are in a sexual state. It may not have anything to do with the genital. For example, when you are dancing you are sexual; a dancer is sexual, the dance energy is sexual energy.”
– Osho, The Book, Series III

or me, freeing my sexuality means overcoming a huge fear I have of allowing my body to pulsate totally with no inhibitions and to be present, conscious at the same time! Living communally in an open, accepting community, with my partner Wendy, who is dedicated to freeing her sexuality, creates many opportunities for me to experience and face my fear each day! I feel so grateful for this, for Osho’s inspiration and his active meditations.

Here’s an example from something I wrote three years ago:

I met a woman at a party last week. For a few minutes we made small talk. I felt warm and open around my heart. No awareness of the rest of my body. The glow expanded as I looked in her eyes, seeing my own love reflected there. I wanted to feel her body physically next to mine. The warmth became a hot spot of excitement in my belly, below the navel. My abdomen tightened. Fear. Mind: “What if she pushes me away?” “She’ll think I’m coming on to her.” “Better stop now and be nice, ask her what she does for a job.” Oops – noticed I’m not breathing. Coming back to my breath helped me come back, my belly softened, some fear let go. A new moment!

I felt loose, relaxed. “Have a hug with me!” I said, feeling my whole body warm and pulsing. There we were, in the middle of a loud gathering, people dancing, we not moving, simply holding each other, feeling an energetic sigh as the electricity settled into being together. Fifteen minutes passed by in a moment. I felt peaceful, relaxed, rejuvenated. No more was said.

As I write, one of my closest male friends comes into the room, looking radiant. He has just had a massage. “Body alive?” I ask. “I’m alive! That’s the problem!” he replies. “What do you mean?” “I want someone but there’s no one there!” We often talk about women, sex, being “horny.” How to have my sexuality for myself but not repress it! I see I have so much shame! Then I look at my baby pictures. Oh yeah. For a moment I get it. Innocent!

Yesterday I walked on the beach with my new friend from the party. “When we were hugging, there was this woman sitting on the couch, looking at me,” she said. “I have a sense that she’s your lover.” “Yes,” I replied. “Well, the way she looked at me – I just knew she was happy for me connecting with you!” “Yeah,” was all I could say, tears of gratitude in my eyes.

Now three years later, the quality of my quest is the same, but the experience is changing. I continue to use my relationship, my community, Osho’s meditations and his inspiration as opportunities to experience and face fear, sadness, anger, love and joy around my sexuality. My mind chatters the same as ever, but I give more and more energy to the experiences in my body. I feel alive all over, dancing at Just Dance, mostly with myself, but in a “field” of loving, open, dancing friends. My attractions to other women come mostly as a warm glow in my heart and a desire to be physically close rather than play old sexual games. With my partner, menopause has given us a whole new opportunity to discover sex purely from a desire to commune, with no more biological influence. As I mature, I mostly love cuddling up, feeling skin, like an innocent six-year-old. It feels like a new beginning!

So much gratitude is there. Thank you Wendy. Thank you Community. And most of all, thank you Osho.

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