Beyond Control and Addiction
by Ma Anand Nita
bvious, after 12 years of drug and alcohol abuse, was the fact that I needed to work on myself. I started with detoxification, traditional psychology and the 12 steps of AA and NA; then groups in Vancouver introduced me to Osho, his methods and meditations. Sannyas initiation was the 13th step!
With my new name and a mala a strong feeling arose to pilgrimage to Pune; I was now thirsty to experience the effects of Osho's Buddhafield.
Shortly after I arrived in my paradise, my carefully controlled and structured life began dissolving into chaos. As I sobbed in the lush Osho Teerth Park, another sannyasin said This happens to everyone when they arrive at the ashram and begin to open. At the Commune medical centre, a stereo speaker suddenly fell from the wall striking me on the back mysterious. It seemed that everything was falling apart!
Later, a tearful farewell, at Mumbai (Bombay) airport, promising to return to my new Indian fiancé preluded four months of intensive money gathering. When I returned to Mumbai and saw him standing at the end of the airport corridor, I realized that he was not the man my mind had fantasized him to be. Full of fear I thought I was still in love but that he was not. A week later, I lay in a hospital bed with an IV drip. The doctors couldn't know that after putting so much energy into the illusion of being in love, I was suffering from a broken heart (or broken illusion). Osho says that love and fear cannot exist together; soon it became clear that I had been projecting my own lack of love onto my fiancé.
A three-week in-silence residential Vipassana Meditation group seemed the best way to heal. Each day during my breaks, my fiancé would appear with one of the two other women he was in love with and committed to, who had come back to India to be with him. It was torture to watch him and stay within the rules of the group no talking and no eye contact. Sitting in Osho's Walkway my mind replayed those sights over and over until one day, silence... with a cough.
The group leaders, Gopal and Pradeepa, suggested that I make the cough my meditation. I began to notice that the coughing always started just after my mind became silent. Next came the awareness of when my mind became silent, or, as I soon discovered unconscious. Unconsciousness would follow a period of intense mental activity: trying to decide what to do about my relationship. Suddenly my head would drop to the right and my mouth would open slightly (picture: moron). Catching the switch into unconsciousness, I was able to remain alert to discover new levels of emotion. The cough started to disappear!
Gopal had said, What a great opportunity, being in silence and going through such an experience with a lover! Remaining conscious in Vipassana was now a nightmare of jealousy, hatred and fear. It felt as if I was going crazy: my mind sounded busier than it ever had been before; my hands were shaking as they had during my cocaine and booze days, so that I had to use two hands to drink my tea; I felt fear contracting my body like a vise. Walking around and around Buddha Hall one night, restless, irritable and discontent, I saw that this was the nature of my mind: to operate in an endless loop, around and around and around, never getting anywhere. The next day in Vipassana, when the decision-making thoughts appeared, I remained aloof, in the watcher. What a relaxation it was to just watch the antics of my mind and emotions, not getting involved ... trusting! Amazingly, at the end of the group the desire to connect with my fiancé was gone. The relationship then just quietly and peacefully dissolved without any decision having been made by me.
A layer of artificial control had been broken by Vipassana meditation and drugs and alcohol became irresistible again. The 12-step programs had given me the courage to change and a glimpse of serenity. Now I realized that I had only been controlling my self-destructiveness through avoidance of deeper issues. I became aware of the depth of my pain. I discovered that many other seekers had also arrived at the commune clean and sober, only to self-destruct again when their pain surfaced. Plumbing the depths of this pain was frightening! I wondered if I would make it through.
Then I discovered Osho Tibetan Pulsing Healing, a form of healing that had helped many substance abusers with its direct injection of electric energy blasting the core of the issue until the problem just ceased to exist. An immediate yes arose, This is for me! Trusting that Yes! without hesitation had led me to take sannyas and was now pulling me into Tibetan Pulsing Healing.
At last I knew that it just did not work to attempt to change behaviour patterns through control skipping steps in the process. The New Mind Tibetan work helped me to move out of the limitations and fears that had kept me stuck in self-destructiveness into the higher vibratory frequencies of creativity, tranquility and freedom. This work plus my awareness of each step of rolling and smoking a joint led to the glorious day when the joint was rolled, lit, then immediately stubbed out. As the impulse had arisen the watcher was there; detachment had now taken the place of the willful control that said No!
After clearing the drug and alcohol issue, the next step in my process was to share with others. I began to give Tibetan Pulsing Healing sessions in the Commune. This meant tuning in physically to my own pulsebeat and that of my client. Moving deeper into my client's pulsebeat would take me to the bio-electric energy that runs along the bones as electricity runs along a wire. Energy pathways were cleared in a mostly internal, graceful and meditative dance. A floodlike stream of energy would herald the point when the sense of separation between us was gone and a non-sexual tantric circle was created. Healing was happening!
I am very grateful to have been able to go through the whole process of becoming a session-giver in the Commune. My clients knew that I was qualified to touch their body and to counsel them in their process, so it was easy for them to let go and trust. In the West this trust comes a little more slowly as people don't have the preparation, information and support of the kind of collective energy in the Commune.
We arrive at the gates of the Commune as seedform Buddhas. Upon entering we are surrounded by other seedform Buddhas with similar intent. The Buddhafield's collective energy then strengthens and encourages us to address issues that may have been too difficult to broach in the West where it doesn't feel as safe. In the Commune we have clear boundaries yet we know that we can safely release our pent-up emotions or look at old pictures, hidden deeply within us. When we step out of the session or group we are still in the protected environment of the Buddhafield!
During my four years there the thrill of entering the Commune's Gateless Gate remained till the last day!