Two Classics
(both have appeared in many places, in many versions)
The Origin of Faeces

  1. In the beginning was the Plan.
  2. And then came the Assumptions.
  3. And the Assumptions were without form.
  4. And the Plan was without Substance.
  5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
  6. And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit
      and it stinks."
  7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a
      pail of dung and we cannot live with the smell."
  8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a
      container of organic waste, and it is very strong, such that none
      may abide by it."
  9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a
      vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one
      another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is 
      very strong."
11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
      "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him,
      "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
      company with very powerful effects."
13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.
15. And this is how shit happens.

Comparative Religion

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.*
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturdays.
Christian Science: Shit is in your mind.
Jehovah's Witnesses: May we have a moment to show you some of our shit?
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Oshoism: If shit happens, celebrate it.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Atheism: I can't believe this shit!
Advaitism: Inquire into who it is that gives a shit
Nihilism: No shit.
* = you got a better one for this?

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