The Enlightenment Patch
(recent Humour in Guru Ratings Forum, thanks to various writers,
see also GRF self-sendup)

Original discussion can be followed, with additional responses not included here, in the Forum Archives.

With the Enlightenment Patch, you can forget all about such antiquated concepts as sadhana, tapas, karma yoga, going into samadhi, etc.

Why stress and strain for Enlightenement when the Enlightenment Patch can do all that for you and more, even while you are sleeping or watching TV.

It's really a break-through Consciousness product which will  revolutionize the entire Spiritual Seeking scene and transform it  completely.

It will put all the neo-gurus (or do they call themselves "sages"?) out of business within 5 years.

Get in on the ground floor. I know that you don't need the EPatch for yourself, but think about becoming a distributor. You can have the entire state of California as your territory.

All you have to do is sign up two seekers and let those two seekers go out and sponsor two more seekers, and on and on like that, while you get a nice override on every seeker who signs on as an EPatch distributor.

You can make up to $10,000 a week in your spare time with absolutely no inventory! And it is not a case whereby you wind up wearing all the patches yourself in order to use up your mandatory monthly supply.

The EPatch kits will be flying off the shelves, literally. And as I said, you don't have to convert your garage into an EPatch warehouse.

We will ship everything to the seekers in your down-line from EPatch Loka, our central shipping hub in Kansas City, MO.

The starter kit goes for only $99.95 with a money-back guarantee.

As they say, "Try it. You'll like it."

As far as getting silly goes, I'm afraid those days are over for me.

I really think that as an EPatch (patent pending) Regional Manager (East Coast Division), I have finally found my niche in life.

The comedy gimmick was fun for a while, at least for me, but now it's time to take responsibility for my life and move forward in the Dharma by helping people become Enlightened the easy way, the post-modern way, via the greatest spiritual product to hit the planet since the invention of vibhuti over 2,000 years ago.

If you get in now, while the business is still in its early development stage, I can see you moving up to West Coast Division Leader, or West Coast Ma, within a year or two.

Please meditate on it before rejecting it out of hand.

This is no fly-by-night, Enlightenment weekend workshop type thing by any means.

The Enlightenment Patch (patent pending) does not only grant you Realization, but Liberation as well, providing you continue to wear the EPatch after you have attained the highest, EPatch-induced samadhi.

Just follow the instructions on the package and you'll be alright.

You can stick the EPatch over just about any chakra you desire.

Some of my retail customers here like to wear the EPatch over their third eye, although this may or may not be appropriate, depending on where you work and how big a jerk your boss is.

I'm giving a presentation tonight at a hatha yoga class. Wish me luck.

I really think that the EPatch is the Next Big Thing.

I can finally see the end of the Kali Yuga and the beginning of the 
promised Golden Age of Peace, Light, and Bliss.

Yes, people get ready, there's a train a comin'.
It's pickin up passengers from coast to coast.

It's the EPatch (patent pending) Express, and it's coming to an 
express stop near you.

Yours in the Dharma,

Mr. E
Regional Sales Manager
East Coast Division
Durham, NC.


Dear Mr. E,

We are interested in obtaining the exclusive sales right for the E-
Patch for Western Europe.

Let me know if you are interested in obtaining a strong sales
partner in this region.

We have been successful in selling White spirits and now would like to move into a new area.

Best regards

E.T. (Alibaba)
Chief Executive Officer
Allah Ark Co.
81477 Munich



I am going to obtain the exclusive license to sell the:
Enlightenment-Patch (Epatch) Patent pending, in Europe. The guy called Mister Enlightenment has developed the product.

Why bother becoming enlightened if it can happen in your sleep.
Just put on the Epatch and continue whatever it is you are doing and your Life will be transformed 30 days trial for Free.

If your life doesnt get better in 30 days,
Money back guarantee.
The E-patch just $99.99.
In all selected spiritual stores.

Dont miss the chance to get enlightened without ever leaving the 
comforts of your sofa !!!



Dear Alibaba,

I feel good. Just like "I" "knew" I would.

I had been wondering how we could expand into Western Europe and I just "put it out there" to the Universe, and see what happens when "you" "do" that?

BTW, you are not part of that "Old Europe" that Donnie Rumsfeld talks about from time to time, I hope.

We definitely want to leave the "Old" behind and usher in the NEW Age of Light and Relaxation.

We will be in Munich for "VeggieFest 2005" in October, and would love for "my" "people" to get together with "your" "people", but in the meantime there's a lot we can accomplish via PayPal.

We can enroll up "Allah Ark & Co." in our Exclusive Distributorship Partnering Program (EDPP) and cede you all of Western Europe to you as your EPatch (patent pending) Sphere of Influence (EPSoI).

Your past success in the White spirit industry more than proves your ability to market this break-through Consciousness product which will transform ordinary seeking FOREVER!!!

No more gurus. No more ashrams. No more "satsangs". No more "sages".No more pederasty. No more prasad. No more buddhafields. No more drive-by blessings. No more "love offerings" or demanded donations. No more kerfuffles in Kovalam. No more Enlightenment Workshops on Maui for the rich and famous. And best of all, no more fucking Kabbalah Water!!!!!! In fact, no more fucking Madonna or Guy Richie, 

Yes, it's true. The Day of the Lord is well nigh upon us:

No more spiritual bullshit ever again!!!

Can you see what we are going with this thing?

We are still trying to work out a few of the legal issues, but "my" lawyer is in touch with all the "right people" in Washington, DC, so legality should not be a problem. We don't want to have another Phen-Phen on our hands, after all. 

OK, so it's a dun deal then?

I can ship you as many "Starter Kits" as you like and in a few months the "Advanced Kits" will ready to ship also.

Now what about the former Soviet Union? That is going to be one HELL of a market, don't you think?

You might want to consider buying that franchise as well. We'll talk about that later, but in the meantime:

Welcome Aboard, Mr. Western Europe EPatch (pp) King!

Yes, the Kingdom of EPatch is at hand!

"Seekers of the world unite! 
You have nothing to lose but your total ignorance."

"Don't dismay. Get EPatch(pp) today." 

Mr. E
Regional Sales Mgr.
and Director of 
World-Wide Marketing 
EPatch(pp) Inc.
PO Box 666
Durham, NC
27713 US


This post will serve as notification on the intent to file suit over 
the E-Patch. The gentleman otherwise known as Mister Enlightenment has stolen the E-Patch concept from our company, Concept Free Gum. 

Mr. Enlightenment intends to use the same active ingredient in 
his "patches" that we had developed for our tasty chewing gum. This is a non addictive variant of the pharmaceutical commonly known as "Ecstasy."

Why wear a bulky patch when you can just chew some gum? Forget E-patch...go for The Chew.

And watch out E-man. Our lawyers are shutting you down. 


And you're being sued for slander and blasphemy! To allege that the E-Patch is "bulky" in any way, is completely irresponsible and borders on criminality.

The E-Patch was designed with your chakras in mind and is made from only the finest Ethereal Material(tm) money can buy.

Once you apply it the morning to the chakra of your choice (unless you are completely bald, do not wear it on your crown chakra), the E-Patch immediately starts to become One with that chakra and once the ecstatic secret formula begins to kick in, you don't have to think about it for the rest of the day. 

Seekers who opt for the Chew still labor under the delusion that they are actually "doing" something to attain Realization and/or Liberation.

This only serves to re-inforce the idea that the chewing jiva is a separate entity with will and choice. Wrong!

It's just not gonna fly, ck. Call off your lawyer dogs, and get "enlightened" yourself, by folding up the Chew tent and come on over to E-Patch Loka, where the air is rare-ified and the opportunities are unlimited for a guy like you who obviously has some real smarts.

South America and China are still markets we haven't even begun to exploit yet.

How would you like to have exclusive rights to sell E-Patch kits and E-Patch accessories (we're developing a whole line of E-Patch products, esp. for children) in Brazil and Equador?

Think about it! It'll be another 100 incarnations before you'll have a divine opportunity like the one I'm offering you with outstretched arms.

People are just too lazy to chew for very long, anyway. The gum is going nowhere, my friend.

Not only can you make some big, big bucks pushing the E-Patch but you'll be helping to transform the entire planet into a permanent Woodstock: 

"Three kalpas of Love and Music"

Besides, think about the environment. Talk about gumming up the works!

"Don't sweat it. Just get it."

Mr. E.
Director of
World-Wide Marketing
E-Patch, Inc. (patent still pending)
Durham, NC.


Hey Mr. E,
That was a nice offer, but I'm too lazy to work, why don't you just have me write an endorsement for your patch. And since you know more about the product than I do, you could write the endorsement, and then I could sign my name to it. Le Voila! Then you could give me a percentage of the sales for the use of my name. Now that sounds like something I *could* do. 



Perfect! I knew you were a smart business woman. Sure, that'll work. Not only can you blurb the E-Patch, but you can give us your mailing list and we'll send free samples to all your followers and friends in YOUR name.

We'll say, "Durgaji has asked us to send a free-sample of the Ultimate Break-Through Consciousness Product for the Coming New Age of Relaxation and Abiding....blah blah blah,......and if you sign up now, we will offer you our special Durgji Discount of 10% off your first shipment."

We'll give you a nice cut of everyone who signs on either a Distributor or Team Leader and stays with the Program for at least 6 months.

Relax and Abide, Durgaji, you have just secured your future, eventhough as we both are well aware, there is no future!

But let's face it. Eventhough there is no future, it's nice to have a little nest egg put away, "just in case" a "future" should appear.

One never knows, do one?

Relaxing and Abiding with the E-Patch on my heart chakra (today),

I remain,

Mr. E
of E-Patch, Inc. (patent still pending)


Also for the savvy purveyor of material solutions to non-material 
issues, you might want to try the Buddhist non-attachment elixer 
FUCKITOL(tm), when you don't want to care.


Two (2) questions:

Before this can be marketed, we need to address product placement, Truth in Advertising and the bane of all: Disclosure...

1.What are the Active ingredients? Is it natural or artificial? Has the FDA put their stamp of approval? (You do know they're trying to take the natural vitamins etc. and turn them into 'drugs' so they can do their stamping, don't you?) 

Any product testing reported? Clinical studies? Focus Groups? Placebo effect? Any allergic reaction? Can one shower and swim? Disclaimers you know.

2. What is the guaranteed result, of the E-patch. What exactly is One to expect? To Be? To Know? To Have?

Is it 100% money-back guarantee?

Is there a possiblity someone may go over the edge and oops, die? Lawsuits from family members and class-action suits, you know....

So if these questions are answered in a timely and most importantly, in an absolute fool-proof manner, Martha will do the driving for you Mr. E.-man. 



Since the questions you raise are perfectly valid, I will attempt to answer them, eventhough I'm about 300 posts behind and I'd like very much to catch up and see if this "Supreme" controversy ever got resolved.

But I can't go forward until I address the issues at hand.

To wit:

1. Active ingredients and the FDA.

First of all, the FDA is a BIG dualistic pain-in-the-ass. Just like the right-wing Xian wackos trying to get their grubby hands on cable television so that there won't be any nudity anymore on L-Word and Queer As Folk (Xian scumbags!!), the FDA also wants to get into everybody's business.

Whatever happened to Free Enterprise, the very foundation of this capitalist country? No wonder the Chinese are going to come to dominate the 21st. century. Those guys know what free enterprise is all about!

But we got some pretty smart lawyers working with the FDA, so I'm not all that worried.

Active ingredients? Forgetaboutit! Until the E-Patch patent is approved, nobody knows nuttin', understand? the E-Patch WORKS (under certain circumstances, of course) and that's all people have to know.

That's why we're using you and Durga as our spokespeople. Nothing like credibility when your launching a new product.

As far as clinical trials and all that dualistic crap, all I can tell you categorically is, "The E-Patch has involved no animal testing, nor does it contain any animal products."

As long as we keep PETA off our backs, that's the main thing.

Money Back Guarantee. If not TOTALLY satisfied, after giving the E-Patch time to work its non-dual magic, I personally guarantee that you will get 100% of your money back with interest.

BUT, you have to give the E-Patch time to do its job. For many people, not of the Sudden School, the E-Patch experience is one of Gradual enlightenment.

So you have to Relax into it. And Abide there awhile, while the E-Patch slowly transforms your consciousness into Pure Awareness, with nary an object to be seen. Anywhere!

In case of death due to overdose or due to general wigging out.

Well, come on, now. What kind of a seeker worries about that stuff?

Little baby seekers, maybe, but not the real, deep, advanced seekers who trod the path of nonduality, that's for sure.

Yes, Driving Miss Martha has proved to be a boon for me in this incarnation. Osmotically, I was able to pick up some great business principles like, "Nothing comes out of my pocket!!" (Martha screaming at Rita, her ex-sister-in-law and business manager) and other principles which I can't disclose cause Martha might run me out of town if she knew I was blabbing her stuff all over the Internet.

Ah, what was I saying before?

So many posts, so little time.........

Mr. E-Patch


Besides, Mr. E., too many decisions with the Way of Gum, sugar/no sugar, if no sugar what kind? Equal, Splenda? Now you got flavor, Cinamon, Spearmint, etc., then what size, bits, little squares, sticks. Then how many to package for the money.

Just too many decisions for the already decision-wrought seeker. Too much complication....

I vote for the patch, absolutely without a doubt. 

Just made sure no one is going to have an allergic reaction.





If it's OK with you, we'd like to use the above endorsement of the E-Patch (pp) in our national ad campaign.

We have to nip this Gum thing in the bud, before too many sincere seekers are led astray by the Divine Chew Chew Co. ("the little stick o gum that could") and its wanton disregard for spiritual ethics in advertising.

We'd like to quote you as saying, "A vote for the Patch is a vote for Jesus."

That's when we try to tap into the Evangelical market. When we pitch the E-Patch to the advaita crowd, we'll quote you as saying, "A vote for the Patch is a vote for Nirguna Brahman."

You'll get the same override as Durgaji on any seeker who signs up as an E-Patch Distributor as a result of coming to E-Patch via the ad campaign.

And whatever you do, do not mention possible side-effects like allergic reactions, sleep apnea, hot flashes, constipation, excessive horniness, depression, and kidney damage.

Just don't go there! 

Just stick with the E-Patch disclaimer: "If you're worried about possible side-effects, you're not a REAL seeker," and move on.

I'd send you a free Starter Kit, but you hardly need the E-Patch in order to realize "I Am That," since you're way beyond that realization anyway.

The downside of being one of the bigwigs in a burgeoning industry is that I have hardly any time anymore to read and to post.

So many posts, so little time.


Your typical harried executive,

Mr. E-Patch
Director of World-Wide Marketing
E-Patch Inc. (patent remains pending)
Durham, NC

"Forget the snatch. Get the Patch."


You just have to know 'bout this ...

This newly enlightened guy
was having an argument
with his wife when she told him
to take his E-patch
and stick it up his ass.

He did!

Now he knows
how beauty is skin-deep.

But, but ... he needs a new product
to 'alleviate' the shakti.

He came up with this
ointment that, to circumvent
trademark infringement,
he called, not Preparation H
but ... Reparation H!

Where 'H' stands for 'halo" ...

The sales pitch might be:

" Introducing the E-Patch
literally? ...
... remain well-balanced
with Reparation H. "

Now, he told me
he needs a bhakti-repellent;
too many people
want to kiss his ass.

Oh well.

We sure need a full catalogue
of related products.

Nonduality is knowing
that misfortune
can be a fortune.

Once we have many franchise
for McEnlightenment articles
I propose for the chain's name:
-- Gladvaita --

What do you say Mr. E ?


Blessings to all ~~ Sarlo

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