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Life On The Upward Spiral  
Examples of finding our way to the upward spiral.
The following articles, in whole or in part, may be shared and reprinted with an acknowledgment of author and source, or used on a web site with a link to this site. 
(See bottom of page for reprint information)

The Two of Me
The day I met WIRA

          I was startled.  It was the last thing I had expected, which made it even more believable.  It was one of those moments that you can point to and say, "That is when things changed.  This is when I started to see things differently."  This was a beginning, although, in that moment, all I was experiencing was astonishment.

          It was the end of the last century, and I had been journeying for a while.  I had read the books; I had taken the classes, even lead a number of them.  I had been doing a morning meditation for years, (which I called connecting, and was about to become a much more significant name than I understood).  I knew I was looking for something; I had been my whole life.  Things had just never seemed quite right.  The answers most others were satisfied with were unfulfilling to me.  I couldn't bring myself to be happy with what others desired.  I felt alone at times, I felt weird at others, and yes I even felt better than periodically, maybe from a place of self preservation more than anything else.  There had just always been this feeling, this knowing, that there was more here for me than what I had been introduced to and I had started to search at a very early age with very mixed results.  So, by no means was the experience this morning out of the blue.  There had been asking for decades.  And yet still I was surprised.

          This particular morning meditation/connection had stared out with a feeling that I was wrestling with myself.  Something had taken place during the previous days that had left a feeling of doubt and self criticism.  I was beating myself up for doing something, or not doing something, or doing something at a less than perfect level.  I had let myself down.  I was experiencing, once again, a crises of faith.  I questioned the road I was following, I questioned my questioning.  So many times I had considered giving up the journey and just choose to become "normal"; accept the expectations of others and ignore any desires for something more.

          As I journaled and dug into the depths of what was really going on for me, I became focused and honest and open.  I peeled the layers of protection and self-story telling back because I could not bare anything less anymore.  I was digging down as if searching through the ground for buried treasure.  And although fully aware of what I was doing, I was shocked when I struck something solid that reverberated through my mind saying, "I don't trust you."  It was me speaking to me with a naked, uncomfortable, cruel truth.  I realized I was saying I did not trust this person whom I called me,  that I presented to the world everyday.  I did not believe the, story/image/package that I was giving the world and therefore, I did not trust me.

          Now, this in and of itself was a little earth shattering from a strictly psychological/ psychoanalysis perspective, but that was not what was going to change my perspective for the rest of my life.  As quickly as the words, "I don't trust you," had uncontrollably run through my brain, I recognized another me.  It was as if someone was stepping out from behind a curtain, someone I instantaneously knew was the director of this play called my life, and the words, "But I do trust You! confidently, powerfully and knowingly resounded through my mind.

          I was connecting with "someone" I had not consciously met before , and yet this someone had been there my whole life.  It was a part of me that felt like a stranger and yet felt like home.  The sincerity, the groundedness, the honesty, the knowing , I felt for/from/as this person, was so impelling, it was easy for me to trust this Me.  I didn't know what to call it other than this was 'Who I Really Am' (WIRA).  I realized in that flash the distinction between what has been referred to as the personality self and the soul, or the ego and inner being.  I recognized them both as me and them being distinct energies.  And I knew the person I wanted to be/explore/express/present to the world was WIRA. 

          I sat for moments observing/witnessing/recognizing the two distinct people .  I was able to flip back and forth between the two perspectives of doubt and trust, worry and knowing, criticism and appreciation.  I knew that one was wise and one was trying to justify its worthiness.  I knew that one was eternal and was finite.  I knew one fit in this body that sat in the chair, and one filled the house.  I knew I implicitly trusted one and I was guarded with the other.  I knew that one was far more wise than the other would ever be.  I knew there was a split in me I was going to have learn how to operate.  I knew I was excited and appreciative.  I knew that all really was well.  I knew I had found what I had been looking for. 

I knew I had connected with Me.

           More recently, I have come to live a fairly sheltered life.  Meaning that many people, if not most, with whom I now interact share a similar belief system.  And since I don’t watch the news or most talk shows etc., I am perhaps less exposed to some of the common topics of conversation that exist out there today.  Now I see this as neither good nor bad, however, it does make for some interesting conversation experiences when I am in the company of people who choose topics to focus on that I normally wouldn’t.

          In this particular experience my husband and I found ourselves in a conversation with a person who chose the topic of kids being bullied at school, which lead to a story of her child being bullied on the way home from school.  I understand this is a popular topic these days for people with kids, and school staff.  Certainly there is a lot more discussion, recognition, and less tolerance of it now compared to the days when I was seeing it and experiencing it first hand.  The purpose of this is not to sit here and discuss the rightness or wrongness of anyone or any behavior.  The purpose is to share my experience of beginning to slide on the downward spiral and my trip back up. 

As she shared with us her bullying stories I could feel myself starting to slip into a downward spiral.  And as that happened I knew that it was my responsibility, if I wanted to continue feeling good, to find something to say, or do, or focus upon that would stop the downward spiral trip.

          So, first I tried to think of something that would be soothing for my husband, our conversation partner, and me.  I did not want to say something that would make her feel wrong about her experience and choices in this situation; I just wanted to save myself.  However, no upward spiral comment came to me, I drew a complete blank.     

          The next option was silence, not because that felt better for anyone, just because it was the result of finding nothing on the upward spiral to say.

          Then my husband jumped in with a comment.  And although there is nothing wrong with his choice, it too did not feeling like an upward spiral experience for me.  The two of them then continued on with a couple more statements, all of them continuing to feel like the downward spiral. 

          Finally, in desperation, I threw out the comment directed towards my husband, “Well, I guess that’s why we don’t have children.”  Not because it felt very upward spiral-ish, but more as an attempt to stop the slide and perhaps even end or change the topic.  That didn’t work either. 

          With no relief in sight, and very much wanting to end this downward spiral, I ‘ran’ on to a new conversation in the party, abandoning my husband to fend for himself (I have a feeling it was not as uncomfortable for him as it had been for me).  Although it has probably taken you longer to read this than it did for it to unfold in our experience, I have gotten to the point that any downward spiral moments are quite uncomfortable, and I am no longer willing to endure them for any reason.  Like the ‘Princess and the Pea’ I find I am hypersensitive, and when I lose my connection with who I really am there is nothing more important than finding my connection as quickly as I can.

          There were a couple other opportunities that evening where I could have followed up with something more upward spiral to say with this same person, however, I was still drawing a blank, so I let it be.

          As my husband and I drove home, I took some stabs at what I could have said that would have felt better (sometimes practicing without the worries of editing for a particular audience can be beneficial).  These attempts were better than nothing and they got the ball rolling (i.e. helped me remember which direction I wanted to be heading).  However, they were primarily empty words with no essence, somewhat like repeating memorized affirmations by rote and not buying into them or feeling their intention.

          FINALLY, the next morning in my connection, I was inspired to take pen to paper, and with some poking around this is what I was able to find.

          I could have said to her, “I cannot imagine how tough that is to see your child treated that way.  Not being a parent has left me distant from some of the powerful urges I am sure you have around protecting your children.  However, not having children has kept me distant from feeling some of the powerful urges one can have around protecting one’s children which means I easily have access to some other thoughts as well.  I think there can be a lot of opportunity in a situation like this.  I know I had some really tough times when I was going through school, but it was all a part of forming who I am today and that means there was some good in it as well.  There are stories of comedians who learned their craft while at school defending themself.  There are those that are inspired to become lawyers and teachers and social workers because of what they experienced in childhood.

I know that taking the bully by the horns and doing to them what they have done to your child is very tempting but it is probably not creating the long-term results that you desire.  I don’t think bullying is stopped by bullying the bullies.  Becoming that which we don’t like in them, or creating more rules, or punishing them is probably just setting up the next bullying occurrence.  It is no accident that they have come to a place of being bullies.

          And even if we were to create all kinds of rules and laws to protect your child, he will still encounter bullies in his future and learning how to deal with them now has value.  And as much as you would like to, you will not always be there to protect him, nor would you really want to have that job for the rest of your life.  I am sure you want him independent and self-assured in his adulthood and not dependent on you. 

There are probably a hundred different choices your child could consider in this situation and wouldn’t it be great to help him figure out how to do that and which choice feels best?  Wouldn’t it be great if your child remembers this as the time when he really started to know that he had choices to consider and that he could figure out what would work best for him?  Wouldn’t it be great if because of this he really started to trust himself and feel confident?  Wouldn’t it be great if because of this, in the future, he felt more able and empowered, no matter what the age or size or status of the other people he encountered?  Wouldn’t it be great if because of situations like this your child was able to build the trust and the confidence required to carry on into adulthood and become all that he was born to be?  Wouldn’t it be great if at sometime, somewhere in the future, you heard him talking to someone, or giving a speech, about him being bullied and what you taught him about being who he really is?”

As I wrote the above during my connection I could feel myself returning to the upward spiral.  Not because I know the answers for everyone around bullying; and not because I needed to have the last word, or thought that she may go to my website and see this article; and not because I needed to be right.  I was returning to the upward spiral because I had taken where I had last left my energy around that topic and did the work to get back on the upward spiral so that I was reconnected with who I really am.

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The Goal of This Website is . . .

             . . . to practice living unconditional acceptance.  Now I know that this is not a new concept and it probably sounds all lofty and terribly nice.  So nice, perhaps, that most of you are thinking about clicking on to something else at this point -- I probably would.  We hear so much about it from parents and teachers and TV that it really doesn’t mean anything anymore.  We may believe that unconditional acceptance means I am suppose to accept and be O.K. with all the conditions that surround me, and with everything everyone does that I think is not right. 

And perhaps many of us think we already do practice unconditional acceptance.  We personally aren’t bombing other countries.  We follow the laws that have been set out by our city/province/country instead of having gunfights at twenty paces to decide who is right.  We usually keep our mouth shut instead of making racial, sexual, religious, weight, or lifestyle comments to those who are different from us.  We tolerate the actions of family members and friends that we don’t necessarily agree with.  So, what more is there?

             Well, that might be what some people define as unconditional acceptance, but it is not what I am meaning here.  Keeping our mouth shut and tolerating a situation still leaves us on the downward spiral.  Trying to be O.K. with conditions and the actions of people that I don’t think are right leaves us on the downward spiral.  The unconditional acceptance I am referring to is about freeing ourselves.  Freeing us from the impossible, exhausting, frustrating job of Captain of the World/Master of the Universe, where I think I know how everyone should be, and if they would be like that then I could enjoy life.  The kind of unconditional acceptance I am talking about is living an inside-out life (the way I feel on the inside determines my experience of what is going on outside of me), versus an outside-in life (what is happening outside of me determines how I feel on the inside).  

 When I am living unconditionally, life becomes so much easier and more fun.  I find that it is filled with the things I love and want to do.  It is the purest expression of tickety-boo.  Unconditional acceptance is not about being a doormat.  It is not about setting aside my desires and preferences and tolerating what is going on around me.  It is not about getting by with making do or using force to create preferred conditions.  It is about finding that place of peace and knowing within me, that all is well, always has been, always will be, and that it is my job to tune into that world and make it my reality.

             So, when am I perhaps not living unconditional acceptance?  Well, if you are like me there are a few hundred moments each day where frustration, anger, boredom, fear, irritation, confusion, worry, overwhelm indicate that we are not living unconditionally.

             Lets talk traffic.  Ever find yourself impatiently passing someone in front of you only to find that they too are stopped at the same red light a few blocks away?  How does unconditional acceptance work in this situation? 
Do I sit and fume as I follow behind?  No.
Do I try and put myself in the others’ shoes (they may be a new/old driver, nervous on the road, not sure where they are going, etc.).  Maybe.
Do I come up with reasons that this should not be allowed and laws that would fix it?  No. 
Do I sit on their tale in the hopes that they get the idea that they are going too slow and will speed up to at least the speed limit?  No.
Do I think this person woke up this morning with the deliberate intent of finding me and driving slow and adding frustration to my day?  No.
Do I realize that I am making a choice to be frustrated?  Yes. 
Do I realize that the frustration is because I believe this person has control over me and is creating in my experience? Yes. 
Can I decide that this is not how I want to live my life, believing that I am a victim to the 6.7 billion other people on this planet?  Yes. 
Can I find the place of believing that life is too short to be filling my days with these little aggravations?  Yes. 
Could I decide to just use this as a slow down moment, an “I am going to stop pushing myself through my day” moment and take a few deep breaths and relax?  Yes. 
Could I actually find myself thanking this person for the reminder that I don’t really want to do my days in rush mode?  Yes. 
Could I use this moment to remember that a happy life is made up of a whole bunch of happy moments strung together, and this could be one of those happy moments?  Yes. 
Could I admit that I know that the next place I was rushing to will be a whole lot more enjoyable if I arrive there relaxed and calm and happy?  Yes. 
Am I feeling like this person is in control of my life or that I am?  I feel I am. 
Do I unconditionally accept this person?  Maybe -- they have become somewhat inconsequential. 
Do I unconditionally accept this moment/situation?  Yes, this reminder came at a good time.
Do I unconditionally accept myself?  Yes, I am so free!

 How about unconditional acceptance in relationships?  I think we often believe that in this scenario it means becoming a doormat and putting someone else’s desires ahead of our own, or compromising.  However, that does not fit with the unconditional acceptance purpose of freeing ourselves.  So let’s imagine someone very close and important to you, like a spouse, has a different timetable than you, which means you end up doing a lot of waiting for him or her.  For those who have this in their lives, need I say more?
So as I find myself waiting, once again, do I want to be thinking about ways that I can make them wait for me?  No.
Do I want to leave and be totally unavailable when they finally become available?  No.
Do I want to phone and phone and phone trying to nail down their new arrival time?  No.
Do I want to cancel our time together?  No.
Do I want to sit and stew and then pretend that nothing is bothering me? Not really.
Do I want to explain to him, again, how it makes me feel when they are late, putting the suffocating burden of my happiness on their shoulders?  Not really.
Do I want to be free of this imprisonment?  Yes.
Do I want to take a look at the choice I am making of putting my life on hold for someone else?  Yes.
Would I rather get back into alignment with my priorities and choose one of them to focus on?  Yes.
Would it feel better to trust that whatever my spouse is doing has captured his or her attention in a delicious way?  Yes.
Do I want him to live a life that is filled with interesting, curious and fun moments?  Yes.
Do I want to live a life that is filled with interesting, curious and fun moments?  Yes.
Do I love getting so caught up in something that I lose track of time?  Yes.
Do I love spending some of those interesting, curious, and fun moments with my spouse?  Yes.
Is controlling the timing and unfolding of those moments the only way they are going to happen to me?  No.
Would I rather give up the job of controller and organizer of their life? Absolutely!
Would I rather focus on what is important and enticing to me?  Yes.
Is there something I could do now, just for me, in these unexpected unscheduled moments of my day?  Yes, there must be something.
Have I noticed that when I relax and allow the Universe/God/All-That-Is to organize and schedule my day that things work out with more coincidences and miracles than I ever could have planned into my day?  Yes.
Do I love it when life seems to get a momentum of its own and I spend less time controlling and more time enjoying?  Yes.
As I look back do I often see how perfectly everything has worked out especially because of the unexpected surprises?  Yes.
Is this a perfect moment to relax, and enjoy and appreciate?  Yes.
Do I feel unconditional acceptance?  Yes.  I am not needing anyone or thing to be a certain way in order for me to be on the upward spiral 

Free others.
Free yourself.
Release the conditions -- accept yourself.

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God As A Busboy

           My husband and I went for breakfast the other morning, and I saw ‘God’.

As we were sitting eating our breakfast and sipping our coffee the busboy, who I have seen there before, came out from the kitchen and started to clear the dirty tables.  Now this young man catches your attention because he looks different than most of us.  He has a shape, which at times in our history, has been given the label of ‘monster’.

Homo sapiens have a good track record for labeling those of us who are different from the norm, or from the way we want them to be.  Through time we have criticized those of different location, ability, looks, color, beliefs, religion, strength, work, home, income, habits, gender, age, sexuality, goals, and lifestyle.  And in our attempt to control those we have criticized we have hung them on crosses, burned them at the stake, wiped out their communities, taken their land, put them in jail, made them live in a different part of town, bombed them, passed laws to govern their behaviour, made them use separate bathrooms, put them in institutions, bullied them, called them names, not allowed them to make decisions for themselves, diagnosed them as ill, gossiped about them, stared at them and thought lesser of them.  As I stand in 2007 many of these previous practices we no longer do because of laws, and awareness and understanding.  However, just because we are not doing those things does that mean we have arrived on the upward spiral?

As the busboy made his rounds I watched a young boy and girl who could not help but stare at him.  I heard a woman passing on words of encouragement to him, which felt more like pity and sadness than upliftment.  And I realized that my eyes were seeing something different from what they were seeing.

As I sat and watched I heard the word “Teacher” resound through my head as my heart filled with knowing, and appreciation, and awe.  In those moments I knew that he needed not my pity, he was my teacher.  I felt immense appreciation for his ability to stand tall, and be who he is, and that he had allowed me to see his perfection, ‘God’ in action, Teacher of the perfection of us all, exactly as we are.

In those moments of appreciation I was not feeling pity for him (downward spiral), or that I needed to encourage laws to protect him (downward spiral), or that I needed to tell the kids to stop staring (downward spiral), or give him words of encouragement because there is something wrong with him (downward spiral).  As I appreciated him I could sense how he is, or has the potential of, becoming more sure and grounded of who he is than most of us ever will have (upward spiral).  I could see how that young boy and girl were getting the opportunity to open their hearts to the vast differences we have in our society/world (upward spiral).  I could imagine the same effect he is having with his co-workers at this popular little place (upward spiral).  I could feel the possible ripple effect of every customer coming in and recognizing the able-ness of us all (upward spiral).  I could imagine the appreciation that his supervisor has for a worker of this kind of strength and determination (upward spiral).  I could sense how this scenario was leading to the success of us all (upward spiral).

Now this is not how I had seen this person before, and I am pretty darn sure it is not how others were seeing him that morning either, however, it was undeniably who I was seeing that morning.  Was I delusional?  Suffering from a fever of some kind?  No, but I do hope that some day I will always be that ‘ill’.  It did not matter if that which I had experienced was the experience of anyone else, or that which many would term reality.  It was more real than most every other experience I have.  And, there was a knowing that those moments on the upward spiral had just widened the crack of unconditional appreciation for us all.

Once again I saw how the upward spiral is not dependant on what we label as reality – what we see with our physical eyes.  The upward spiral is . . .   

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"Happy Ways"

                                                                  Looking at the good things all around me
                                                                  Smiling at the people that don't believe.

                                                                  My happy ways may raise a question
                                                                  There is no anwer except in my dreams.

                                                                  There is no way to capture the sunshine
                                                                  But it is foolish to feel from the night.
                                                                  Perfection, they say, will not last forever,
                                                                  But I can't help feeling someday it might.

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After Grad -- The Journey Continues

The following is written for the Alumni E-zine of HCC College in Spruce Grove, Alberta.

Whether it has been a few years since your graduation from HCC or a few months, I know the college was honored to be a part of your journey and would like to continue supporting you on your way.  Their desire to keep in touch and continue to support your journey has lead to the birth of this e-zine and them asking me to write a few words.

I have had the opportunity to be a part of some of your journeys by speaking at your graduation; however, I have not shared time with most of you.  So, for those I have not met, and as a recap for those I have, here are some of the ideas you will find within ‘After Grad – the Journey Continues’ each month.

You are all geniuses.  Some days it may be easier to remember that than others.  You are a genius not because of your current success, or some I.Q. score, but because no one does you as well as you do you.  Therein lies the key to your success.  Your success is not found in you being a re-Pete of Pete.  You could never be Pete as well as Pete is Pete, and while you are busy trying to re-Pete Pete’s life, the world, not to mention you, are missing out on the original you.

Now I know sometimes it is challenging to be you, because everyday there are people and jobs and news reports trying to convince you not to be you and be more like Pete.  Family may have a preconceived idea of the road your journey should take.  Your boss has objectives to meet and people to answer to and probably thinks he/she knows how you must be for that to unfold. Our daily newspaper reading, T.V. watching, and idle gossiping gives us all sorts of data from which to measure ourselves and when we notice we are not like what they are outlining, we somehow assume we must be wrong, unsuccessful, or lesser than.

Well you are not.  You are a genius on a journey that you have not yet completed.  A genius with: more comfort zones to expand; more dreams to be dreamed; more baby steps to be taken; more questions to be asked; more creativity to be expressed; more things to learn; more playfulness to be awakened; more confidence to be voiced; more support to be solicited and allowed into your lives; more fun to be had.

I look forward to us journeying together each month as we all remember who we really are and experience the fantastic success of us uniquely expressing us into our daily lives.

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A Diagnosis of Wellness
Remembering Who I Am After a Visit to the Doctor

The following is a response to a personal email from a friend who had received downward spiral news from a doctor.  With her permission, and in the continued pursuit and sharing of the upward spiral, I am passing it on.

Thanks for the update. As I read your email, it stirred up a number of thoughts for me -- This is what I know: I know there are probably some moments that feel really dark, but I also know that you are one of the brightest lights I know. I know with your brothers' experiences, being so similar and recent, they may dominate your thoughts.  But I know that your experience doesn't really have anything to do with their experience, and therefore, has a completely different path. I know your cells natural direction is one of well-being, I know they have known well-being, I believe they can find it again.  In comparison, I know there are so many more cells that are flourishing in your body right now than are not.  I know that even with your experience being dominated by something that doesn't feel like well-being there is so much well-being around you.  I know that love and appreciation surrounds you, and although sometimes it might be challenging to let it in, how wonderful it is to relax into it and know our worthiness of it. I know how easy it can be to judge ourselves harshly, and I know you haven't done anything wrong and there is nothing to earn or deservability to prove.  I know that for every moment you are able to see through your well-being eyes is one more moment in the direction you prefer.  I know that even now, as you look around, you are able to see evidence of the well-being and love and appreciation that runs rampantly through your life.   I know that those little moments of basking in the sunlight, or listening to a bird sing, or laughing at a T.V. show are going to be your God sent moments of relief and the moments when you allow the well-being to fill you up.  I know that one's faith/beliefs are a powerful tool in these situations because we can then surrender the struggle and allow all our energy for healing.   I know that whenever I struggle and resist and fear, it takes me in the opposite direction I want to go.  I know you know the miracles and synchronicity that exists in our world, and I want you to know I believe in it too.  I know that what permeates your reality right now is really dominant, but I also know you have some wonderful, incredible, powerful memories to retreat to as well.  I know this experience has been extremely clarifying for determining what is important and what you do want.  I know you have huge desire for health and vitality and well-being.  I know you are a strong, powerful, determined woman and I know sometimes I am a little too strong and powerful and determined for my own good, and a little chillin' out and lovin' and playin' and going with the flow is in order.  I know you know well-being.  I know you know what it looks like, feels like, that it comes in many different forms.  I know you know miracles are normal.  I know you love life.  I know who you really are knows all is well.  I know you know the experience of energy, and vitality and joy.  I know how easy it is for me to forget what I know when something unwanted comes into my experience.  However, I also know that my observed experience doesn't need to be my experience of life.  I know that your experience is creating clarity for all of us.  I know that your moments of joy and appreciation are probably more real now than they have ever been.  I know that what is important to you is probably clearer now than it has ever been.  I know that what you believe in is probably more real now than it has ever been.   I know that those wonderful little joys are probably bigger now than they have ever been.  I know that those of us around you are having the opportunity to be clearer now too.  I know that the light that you really are is probably shining brighter now than it has ever been.  I know that light never disappears or leaves us.   I know that the love we have here is everlasting. I know that this time I have had, having the opportunity to focus on you, has helped me remember who I really am. I know that we are all in this together.  I know that well-being abounds.  I know that this joy is real, because I can feel it -- my desire is that you can too.  
Unconditionally, Sandi

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The Legend of Baggar Vance
A Golf Movie About Life
Based on the book by Steven Pressfield
Screenplay by Jeremy Leven
Directed by Robert Redford
Produced by Robert Redford, Michael Nozik, Jake Eberts

    As the caddie, Baggar, and his small assistant, Hardy, measure the course the night before the golf tournament young Hardy asks about their golfer:
Hardy:  Do you think Junah can win?

Baggar: If he can find his authentic swing.

Hardy:  Authentic . . .?

Baggar:  Yup!  Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing.   Something we was born with.  Something that is ours and ours alone.  Something that can't be taught to you, or learned, it's something that's got to be remembered.  Over time the world can rob us of that swing . . . (it) can get buried inside us under all our would'ves and could'ves and should'ves.  Some folk even forget what their swing was like.

(Hardy, putting balls on the green so Baggar can assess the angles, runs out of balls.)
Baggar:  Keep swinging.

Hardy:  But I don't have any balls.

Baggar:  Don't worry about hitting the ball or where it's going to go, just swing the club, feel the club.  Close your eyes.  You can't make that ball go in, you have to let it.

Are you remembering what your authentic swing is and sharing it with the rest of us?
Are you allowing yourself to live beyond your would'ves and could'ves and should'ves?
Relax, be easy on yourself, let life in.

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'Self-Help' This!

    Is it just me or has everyone gone on a ‘self-help’ binge?  It seems that we are completely surrounded.  There are people wanting to help us when we turn on our T.V., or open up a newspaper.  I catch myself cringing when I see another “Make Your Life Better in 10 Easy Steps” headline sitting in the magazine stand.  The bookstore self-help section, I am sure, has a growth hormone that just can’t be healthy.   There are speakers coming to town to fix ‘this’ about us, and workshops that will change ‘that’.  There are stores selling items that resemble the elixirs from the traveling salesmen of the good ol’ days.  There are theories, methodologies, practices, and doctors that do stuff I have a hard time pronouncing never mind understanding what they do or how they are supposed to help me.  And yet, for some strange reason, we make ourselves stop and take notice because maybe this one will have our answers. 

Well, I don’t know about you, but this ‘self-help’ doesn’t always feel very helpful.  I know what it is that rubs me the wrong way, it seems that they are politely saying, under their breath, that there is something wrong with me.  It seems there is an assumption that we are broken and need to be fixed.  Some of us need to change our diets, and exercise more.  While others need to stop obsessing and controlling so much.  Sometimes the message is we are not adapting to the changes in our lives, and we need to be more open-minded.  It could be we are too passive and let people walk all over us, or we are too aggressive and people are calling us difficult to work with.  Maybe it is pointed out that our problem is we care too much about what others think of us.  Or maybe we are too pessimistic and stuck in a rut.  It could be that we are not measuring up to the acceptable preset range for the finances to age ratio.  Perhaps lateness is our failure, which stems from our inability to organize.  Maybe we lose our cool too easily and need to learn how to manage our anger.  (And here we thought we managed our anger quite well by giving a little bit to everyone.)  We might lack ability to work well with the team, or are low in our enthusiasm about work.  Perhaps it is felt we need to be showing more initiative and innovation. 

There is also the ever wise spouse who reassures us of our need for help because we are not getting enough done around the home, or we are not looking like we use to.  We are supposed to be finding that  25th and 26th hour in the day to get involved in yoga or meditation or tai chi . . . "it's for our own good!"  And once we have that all taken care of, in our spare time we can take more training because, you know, life long learning is important.  News flash folks, listening to this does not fall under the category of helping.  Whatever made us think that someone 'telling us like it is' would make things seem better?

    Now, I know the psychological theory of Reality Therapy confronts people with their behaviour by having them face their results.  However, the light that magnifies these kinds of results just seems to enlarge our failures, bloopers, and mistakes.  Honestly, do you think we don't know when our results are embarrassing?  Sure, some of us might go into denial, or argue a point when a spouse or co-worker tries to show us the error of our ways, but isn't this just self-preservation?  Is it not normal to defend when attacked?  How many little white lies have we told just to avoid those judgements that we are broken?  How many times have we made ourselves do something, say something, or act in a certain way, just because that's what others think we should do and we are trying to fit in?  And what makes anyone think that just because something has worked for one person that it's going to work for us?  Is this healthy?  Have  I actually become a better person by listening to all this help?  Am I any happier?  Listen, if I need any 'helpful suggestions', I have a whole brain full of tried and tested criticisms, I don't need any help from professionals or well meaning friends.

So you say, "it is just 'advice' that will help them better themselves."  Better compared to what?  We say it's for their own good that we politely try and change them.  Come on, 'fess up.  How often are we just trying to get someone to change so that they are less frustrating to us?  Isn't the real reason we want others to 'shape up' and do things our way is so that we can feel better about them?

    I know many of the professionals in this field come from a genuine desire to assist people in being happier.  But how does telling people they are not O.K. help them feel happier?  As far as I can figure happiness does not arrive one day after I have got everything just right, it is something I practice being.  It is not a goal for the future, it is either experienced now or it doesn’t exist.  It’s what happens when I stand up for, and confidently share, who I really am.  It’s the result of being honest about what is important to me without trying to measure up to some standard.  It is me doing the full ‘monty’ (so to speak) with what I know are my priorities.  Am I suggesting that we all avoid, deny, and pretend that everyone is perfect?  No, but everyone has their strengths.  I’ll tell you, where I would love some assistance is in focusing on what I do well.

So here's a question to ponder.  Would we need all of this help if we thought we were O.K.?  Might it be that the reason we:  argue with our spouse; drink to much; have low productivity at work; are always late; yell at the kids; get stressed over the little stuff; feel depressed; have financial difficulties; have no energy; don't get along with the family; or don't feel fulfilled, is that we are trying to be someone we are not?

            So how about this?  Instead of ‘self-help’ what if we called it self-support, or self-appreciation, or self-belief.  And instead of focusing on what isn’t working what if we were to say:

“ I don’t think you are broken or need to be fixed at all.
I trust that you are figuring this out perfectly.
I know life is supposed to be filled with thousands of mistakes and new decisions.
I think you are fantastic just the way you are as you move along on your journey.
I see a hundred reasons why you shouldn’t change.
As a matter of fact I would love to see you be as much of you, as you can be.
I would hate to miss out on what you might do next if you were different than how you are.
I think you are really on to something here.
If a little bit is good a whole lot ought to be better. 
Don’t hold back!  Give us more! 
I’m liking this; I’m liking it a lot.
I have never seen anyone quite like you. 
You do you so well.  I am just amazed!
I can see where you are going and I believe in what you are doing.
What a great idea!  What would we do and where would we be if you were not contributing this to the rest of us.
Thank you so much for being just exactly as you are.
No matter what anyone else says to you, know that I think you do you superbly.
I can hardly wait to see what you do tomorrow.
I appreciate you even more because you have shared with me exactly who you are.
My time with you has been fantastic!” 

If that were what we were saying to each other, maybe then we would reply, “Thanks . . . that helped.”

When I quit trying to change how I am,
there is time, space, and energy to get on
with being who I really am. 

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The Evolving Perception of Depression

    Depression -- it was once perceived as laziness, then we started calling it “having a nervous breakdown,” most recently it has been referred to as a mental illness.  So what might be the next evolutionary step in our perception of depression?

    Each perception has been an understandable conclusion within the context of the times.  When we called it laziness what we knew and understood about people was heavily influenced by behavior and moral code.  Anyone that acted outside of the acceptable was seen as deviant and it was believed they could be shamed back into shape with insults and labels.  Then we grew in our understanding of people and when someone no longer seemed able to cope with life we knew something was wrong and said that they were having a nervous breakdown.  Breakdown was a good general term because we didn’t really understand the inner workings of being human well enough to be more specific.  It’s kind of like calling a stalled car that won’t start again, broken down.  There is something specific that is not functioning, but most of us don’t know enough about cars to be able to identify the problem.  When the term breakdown was used to describe depression most lacked a perception that encompassed emotional, mental and spiritual aspects along with the physical.  A phrase like “she had a nervous breakdown,” recognizes the physical self and implies a possible emotional self.

    Then the awareness of our mental selves evolved and we started to identify certain reoccurring themes.  And because we were able to recognize and group these similar symptoms it was easy to make the next step to calling it an illness, a mental illness, a disease.  I believe this was done with the best of intentions.  It happened in a time when most of us knew nothing about the mind and to help people understand, depression was elevated to the status of an illness.  Calling something an illness makes it very real and perhaps those having experiences such as depression were finally given a break and recognized as good people with a problem, and they needed help.  This perception assisted the depressive, and those around them, to get out of the habit of blame, which is a very unproductive method of returning to the upward spiral.

    So this is where the medical profession and the majority of western society stands today, acknowledging that depression is an illness that requires treatment.  Sounds good right?  Some might say, “So why mess around by trying to introduce another perception?  It took a lot of work to get this far.  Don’t rock the boat.”
   
    I am choosing to support a new perception because I believe we are ready to move forward, to evolve, I believe we are brave enough for this next step.  I believe in us and our potential and that an upward spiral is natural to all, even someone experiencing depression. 
   
    This step may feel for some like a step backwards.  Anger may erupt especially for those who have worked so hard at creating the current perception of depression being an illness.  But I assure you I present this next step not to regress nor to produce suffering for those whose experience is one of depression.  I propose this perspective to create the hope and belief that everyone has equal access to the upward spiral.  I present this perspective as a method of putting control, something that is missing in depression, back into a person’s life.  I present it so that experiencing depression is not a ‘victim of circumstances’ situation that dooms one to that existence for life. 

Freedom to live on the upward spiral comes because of one’s complete accountability for their experience of life, not from creating causes outside of one’s self.  Therefore:

    I believe depression is not an illness. 
   I believe that it is not a genetic certainty from generation to generation.
   I believe we do no one a favour by giving them a disease.
   I believe the reason a person is depressed is that they chose, unconsciously, to suppress who they really are. 
   I believe that we choose depression because it can have some huge benefits.
   I believe we are not limited by any label, perception, or experience.
   I believe depression is not just a symptom of one person but a mirror on society.
   I believe there is nothing wrong with being depressed.
   I believe most people who experience it get to the point where they want more than that from life. 
   I believe those who experience depression know that there is more to their life. 
   I believe that the experience of depression does not resemble who people know themselves to be. 
   I believe that those experiencing depression get relief from knowing they are not a bad person and I believe that they will feel even better when they know there is something they can do about it. 
   I believe it is a habit that was justified in the beginning and then got out of hand. 
   I believe it is a result of living life by accident and not on purpose. 
   I believe the reason one becomes depressed is that she is a very strong, stubborn, and determined person.  I believe if she learned how to use those same habits towards something she really wanted she would be just as successful at that. 
   I believe those who have received the label of depression are some of the most emotionally attuned people on our earth. 
   I believe once they apply their strengths towards their heart’s desires they will soar into our world with masterful gifts for the rest of us to enjoy.
   I believe they have the intelligence, and strength, and ability to turn this into an upward spiral experience.
   I believe they are on their way to remembering who they really are.
   I believe that to the depth and degree one experiences depression there exists an equally profound experience of joy. 
   I believe all people have the ability to live on the upward spiral.
   I believe we are beyond the need to blame and, therefore, have outgrown the label of illness and are ready to give those experiencing depression their freedom to soar.

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Resistance is Guidance

        Winter preparations – they needed to get done.  We had been caught by an early snowstorm with our lawn furniture and watering hose still out.  The trick was getting a warm enough day so that the water in the hose would thaw and could be emptied before storing it away.  The temperature rose high enough one Saturday, when I was happily working on my computer.  It was no heat wave but it would be tolerable to work outside, and with it being a job that was nagging in the back of my mind, and since my husband was already outside, I logically determined that this was the right time.  I left the work I was enjoying and got dressed, hoping this wouldn’t take too long.

    First I tackled the lawn furniture and the abandoned flowerpots.  Not joyously done, but completed. Next was the hose. A question of mine brought my husband to come and help.  As I watched him I realized the water wasn’t emptying out the hose and I could feel my already brewing frustration have a major internal explosion.  My husband got to the end of the hose and nothing had come out and now it lay in a rat’s nest on the ground. 
   
    I abruptly took it from his hands and started the process of emptying once again, this time from the other end.  Sure enough, out the other end water began to flow.  I don’t know what angle he had held it at to prevent the drainage but it was apparent I was going to have to do this.  By the time I was done I had doubled the rat’s nest. 

As I had proceeded to empty the water and then continued with the process of untangling the nest I cursed at the extra work his helping had just caused.  Thoughts of resentment like, “I have to take care of everything,” and, “He makes a mess and then just expects me to take care of it,” and, “How could he possibly have screwed up emptying a water hose,” consumed my mind.  Although the process only took ten minutes I had slid down the spiral to the point of needing hazard lights around me to warn others of the b**** ahead.

    I completed the untangling, and hung the hose on its hook for the winter and realized how bad I felt and that I was mad that I felt that bad.  At this moment I became conscious of what I was doing and where I was going and I said to myself, “Where did this start, and what is it really about?”  Since the frustration had my attention and I had asked such a clear poignant question, sincerely wanting to know the answer, I received a reply right away, “You knew that you didn’t want to do the yard clean up right now, you were enjoying where you were.  Yet you pulled yourself away and forced yourself to go do a job, that for that moment, was not calling to you or appealing for you.”  With a lightening bolt of awareness I realized that the person I was really frustrated with was myself and I went to my husband (who had long ago disappeared to stay clear of me), and gave him a hug, apologized to him, and explained what I had done.

    It’s these conscious experiences that help me live more of my life on the upward spiral.
    What I really wanted in this situation was to allow myself to continue my work on the computer until I felt complete and inspired to move on. 
    What I really wanted to do was remember that although doing the yard work seemed logical, logic often does not lead me to the upward spiral. 
    What I really wanted to do was remember that all tasks (yes even chores) can have their inspired moments of action if I listen and follow the guidance. 
    I wanted to trust my guidance and my process and know that everything that is important to me will have its time. 
    I wanted to listen and notice thoughts like, “I hope this doesn’t take too long,” -- a sure sign of something being a ‘should’ and uninspired. 
    I wanted to see the resentment I felt towards my husband as a red flag and stop what I was doing until I felt better. 
    What I really want to remember is that frustration is an alarm/guidance indicating that I am heading down the spiral -- that I am resisting something I want. 

    What this reminded me was that doing anything from a place of should or frustration is not in my best interest.  Getting a job done is not worth the price of my own happiness, not even for half an hour. 
    What is really reassuring is that my guidance is always there telling me whether I am moving up or down the spiral. 

    And as for the idea of leaving the outside work for another day – within the next week the weather warmed up to a temperature where one looks for excuses to be outside.

Everything has the potential for graceful unfolding
when I listen to my guidance.

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Depression As Normal

It was a realization when I was released from my hospitalization for depression, “All these people are depressed and they don’t even know it!”  Having been diagnosed, drugged, hospitalized, and living with this thing for years I was coming to know it and recognize it easily.  I could see it in the eyes, words, choices, and behaviors all around me.  No wonder we become depressed, we are surrounded, and there is a normalcy to it.  I saw it at school, at dance lessons, in the grocery store, at home, at my friends’ homes, on television, on the bus, and at the mall. I could see it everywhere, and yet I had been singled out – I was quite amazed and a bit angry.  “Just because I don’t hide it like most everyone else is that any reason to lock me away and stigmatize me?
    Now the difference was I was a teenager acting out and responding to what was going on inside of me.  And therefore, I was recognized as suffering, and put into treatment.  I think most never allow themselves the luxury of ‘acting out’ and therefore don’t get caught -- caught, diagnosed, labeled, whatever.   
    My suffering included the diagnostic symptoms of depression and yet there was a whole lot more going on.  It was these other experiences that I was having, and seeing in those around me, that made me realize that depression is normal.   I recognized:

• A lack of happiness, although perhaps not unhappy, definitely not demonstrating signs of joy.
• People responding to life with a general numbness, distanced from emotion, walled off, blocked, plugged.
• A robotic-ness, nothing is wrong, but it doesn’t feel right either. It would be boredom if one had the time.
• How we try to please those around us, and by doing so we become almost completely shut off from our own priorities, while society, family, and employer preferences take over.
• A deep knowing/hunger that there must be more, but since no one is talking about it we disbelieve its existence.
• Huge disconnections from ourselves, and with that a growing dislike and disrespect that emerges like a cancer.  Other’s desires and their fulfillment become even more important so that some recognition is received because we certainly aren't getting it from ourselves.
• That most action feels like a chore and is not enjoyable.  Enjoyment is designated to weekends, or vacations only.  (Once we’re there not so enjoyable after all.)
• Life is comprised of shoulds and pushing oneself to do things.
• We brag about being busy, and secretly are exhausted by it.
• That the brain buzz can get so loud we can’t even hear our own hearts and desires.
• That we are unloving to the ones we love the most.
• That we can hate those we don’t even know.
• That we lose our patience over the littlest things.
• That we argue to be right over the littlest things.
• And, that no matter how much we eat we still feel empty.

Our relief from all of this are things that numb us out even more, reduce our energy, muddle our clarity, make us feel sick the next day, take away our ability to breathe easily, lose all our money, and that break our relationships. 
    If we sup-press ourselves long enough we become de-pressed.
    Since that time of my release from the hospital a new definition of what is natural has developed for me.  It may not seem natural because it is not what you experience and witness.  I call it natural because I believe it is who we are when we are not depressed.  I believe it is what naturally flows when we are not suppressing ourselves.  I now believe natural is:

• A lot more laughter than worry.
• A lot more ease than push.
• More appreciation than frustration with others.
• Thoughts of the future being more exciting than overwhelming.
• More about being silly than serious.
• Being full of questions that I am eager to find answers to rather than feeling I should already know them.
• More about trusting than fearing -- believing than doubting.
• Knowing there is always another way to see a downward spiral situation.
• More hugs than walls.
• Being less in our heads and more in my hearts.
• Those around us joining in our energy versus draining it.
• Our to do lists filled with things that we love.
• Finding our thoughts going to fun places.
• Finding ourselves catching people being lovable.
• Finding ourselves entertaining ideas of possibilities.
• A knowing that there is more going right than going wrong.
• Automatically feeding ourselves (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically) with those things that fill us.
• We are more open than closed.
• We are relaxed more than frustrated.
• We love more than hate.
• We awake with things in mind that we are eager to do.
• We are excited about next week.
• We are easier on ourselves and those around us.
• More about what we love than what we detest.
• Connecting more deeply with those who choose to hang around us.
• Being more confident about who I really am.
• Getting great joy and fulfillment in allowing the energy of us to gush into our day.
• Knowing that we would rather be vivacious and wrong than depressed and right.
• Knowing there is so much more out there for us to play with and explore.
• Knowing that wellbeing continues to assert itself every chance it gets.
• Knowing that there are times when we are busy and productive and times we are a couch potato and both are O.K. and create balance.
• Knowing that we can’t get this wrong.
• Knowing that there is no schedule that we need to keep up with.
• Knowing that what will matter at the end is the love that we did and didn’t share.
• Loving this playground and wanting to try all the rides.
• Believing in possibilities more than reality.
• That even if those around us don’t agree, this can still be what is natural to us.
• Knowing that truth is more of an inside than outside job.
• Knowing that joy is more important than right.
• Knowing that in every moment we have a choice to make.
• Knowing that even when we forget all this, it is never far away.
• Knowing that natural, for us, is to live on the upward spiral of life, beyond depression, suppression, and mediocrity.

    If this doesn’t seem natural maybe there is a reason for that.

"You are joy, looking for a way to express. 
It's not just that your purpose is joy, it is that you are joy."
Abraham-Hicks Publications

www.abraham-hicks.com 
      

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Road Rage

I guess I cut her off when I changed lanes because the next thing I new I had a white truck hovering in the lane beside mine with an angry face mouthing words at me.  I don’t read lips, but it wasn’t necessary in this situation -- she was very upset with me.

Road rage.  You hear about it.  I had only experienced this severity once before.  And yes, I could very easily have made a mistake, made a poor call in making a lane change, misjudged the speed of my fellow drivers, that may be true.  However, a mistake on the road can soon become road rage when it is no longer about the initial incident and more about the relationship of two or more human beings while driving.

I am not sure whether the feeling that one has in these situations is shock or fear.  The concept, that she has no idea who I am and yet she can hate me that much, I find disturbing.  I immediately, as would seem normal, started to defend myself.  Self-defense can look a of lot different ways.  For some it would be mouthing profanities back at her, others would choose the fowl alternative of ‘flipping the bird,’ many believe a situation such as this is the sole purpose of their vehicle’s horn, and others have even begun to defend themselves by using their vehicles.  I, not wanting to give her the satisfaction that she was getting to me, gave her the passive aggressive response of a pleasant little smile and a wave as in, “Hi, good to see you too.”

She continued to drive right beside me with a completely vacant lane ahead of her (ironically she was initially upset because I slowed her down when I pulled into her lane, and apparently I was still slowing her down), and this is when you know a driving mistake has become road rage – it is no longer, and perhaps never was, about the initial encounter.

Well, I don’t have to spell out why this felt like a downward spiral.  In my experience of life this was incredibly out of the ordinary, however, I had already been on the downward spiral that day and so it wasn’t a complete surprise.  And whether we do it consciously or unconsciously our first reaction is to try and find some relief around the situation, to return to the upward spiral.

My first grasp for relief was the ‘put yourself in the other person’s shoes’ idea.  “Wow, she must be having a really bad day,” I said to myself.  “She must be a really unhappy, stressed out person.”  It’s not a bad tool in many situations, however, in this situation it just felt like I was blaming her to get the focus off me.

She continued to drive beside me and so I slowed down to get her license plate number which is when I saw that she was from California.  “Well, that explains it!” I exclaimed to myself.  My husband and I had just watched Michael Moore’s “Bowling for Columbine” where he presents the idea that Americans are much more fearful (which is what is behind anger), than most other citizens of the world.  So that was my next attempt at creating relief, LOGIC.  Logic as self-defense is when we look for some itsty bitsy piece of information that would back us up in a particular situation all in the name of trying to create some relief for ourselves.  The problem with logic is that it often contradicts a million other statistics that exist and can back us into a corner of defending that datum.  For instance, I don’t know she is from California just because she is driving that truck.  And, when we make statements that put a group of people all in one basket it is called globalizing, which is illogical as well.  It wouldn’t take much to find a basket full of happy, trusting Americans that would defy that datum as well.

At this point my excuse for being on a downward spiral turned the corner and she drove out of my life – physically.  However, she remained in my life mentally and emotionally, as I continued to search for some relief.

So, how could I get to the upward spiral in this situation?  What was it really about?

I was disconnected, on the downward spiral, and I was believing her opinion of me more than my opinion of me, and her opinion felt terrible.  It felt terrible because it is nothing close to who I really am.  We know who we are deep inside, however, it is easy enough to lose track of that and not trust it if the world outside ourselves does not affirm it.  Sometimes we keep who we really are tucked so deep down inside we almost lose it altogether, but it continues to let us know its presence.  Every time we feel ourselves sliding down the spiral it is the essence of who we really are attempting to get our attention.

So what do I know about who I am.  Well, I know I am a very good driver.  The majority of decisions I make while on the road are excellent and I’ve had some challenging situations that I have driven through well.
      I love driving.  I love being behind the wheel and I love how easily it can take me so many places.
    I know that I am a good defensive driver, meaning I am always assessing what others are doing and looking for the path of most ease.
    I know that in most situations I’ll give the right-of-way and the benefit of the doubt to the other person, especially the slower drivers or someone who has miss-judged a situation.
    I know that we are all in this together and I much prefer flowing through traffic lightheartedly than trying to ‘push the river’.
    I know that I’d rather appreciate people than be angry with them.  I’d rather flow through my day with joyous encounters with those around me.  I’d rather put a smile on their faces than a frown.  I’d rather we both walk away from an encounter glad that it happened and feeling good about ourselves.
    I know that who I really am is a happy, loving, fun person.
  I know that these short downward spirals are just friendly reminders that in this moment I am not remembering who I really am.
    I know that in that moment we were a perfect match, and when we are both being who we really are it would be a completely different encounter.
    I know that there is nothing more important than remembering who  I really am and sharing that with the world.
    And, I know I do not want to rely on those around me to remind me of my qualities and abilities.  I want to believe in, trust, and express who I really am as often as I can.

As I talk myself back into remembering who I really am, I no longer feel the need to defend myself.  I let go of the woman in the white truck -- she drives out of my mind.

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Remembering What I Know

One night I received a phone call from a friend who was very distraught and at a breaking point.  We talked for sometime, however, when I got off the phone I felt terrible.  As I had listened to his perspective of the situation I had joined him on the downward spiral and then had tried to uplift him from there.
It feeling unbearable to remain on the downward spiral I decided to write an  email, not for him, but for me, so I could return to the upward spiral.  This is what it said:

"I was thinking about our conversation and I know that you really feel like you are suffocating with your circumstances right now.  I got off the phone feeling like I had forgotten who you really are and you have forgotten who you really are.  So, I thought I would share with you what I forgot last night.

This is what I know. 
    There is no way you would be in this situation if you weren't here with powerful desire and powerful knowing that is uncontainably wanting to express itself into this time and place. 

    I know that what is crescendoing now has been building for numerous years. 

    I know that this much energy, when suppressed, is suffocating and when expressed, is exhilarating. 

    I know that the experience and knowledge you have regarding our earth and wellness is desired by millions of others who are asking similar questions. 

    I know you are getting very clear that the way you have been doing things is no longer an option and you are ready to change directions. 

    I know you have your answers and I know you will believe in them when the time is right. 

    I know that most people will never experience what you are experiencing because they do not choose this much depth or joy in their lives.  And this experience would not be anywhere as painful for you right now if your natural state wasn't one of huge amounts of joy and well-being. 

    I know that this whole journey is creating a level of understanding and knowing that you would never get from any kind of classroom or conversation or book. 

    I know that this knowing is so powerful it is directly related to where you are going.  I don't believe you are done here.  I believe you are the means through which much knowing and joy can flow. 

     I know that on some level you know this. 

    I know that when we are on our own that it can be the toughest time to remember who we really are.
    I know that either on your own, or with the assistance of others, you are going to begin getting glimpses of the other side of this situation. 

    I know you feel like you are going to pop and I think that is a good thing -- we, like the earth, need to erupt when under pressure.  I can see the day down the road when we will sit back and laugh at these challenging times.  I can see the day when you will say "thank God I experienced that because now I am over here."  I can see the day when what is inside free flows out easily and joyously. 

    I know that what you desire in your life is not a long journey away, even though it may feel like it.  I know you are closer than you think. 

    I know that even when you doubt it's existence wellness abounds. 

    I know you are wanting relief and I know it is available to you just one baby step thought away. 

    I know that your finances are important to you but I believe your priorities are out of alignment.  Your joy is much more important than your finances.  Your joy will assist your finances.  Through your joy you will be inspired to all your solutions for your finances. 

    I know that there is nothing more important than feeling good. 

   I know you don't have to figure out one more thing or make one more decision in order to feel better. 

    I know that what would really feel good is to take a break from all of this this weekend, and give yourself permission to go out and play. Your work for five life times is done.  Go get an ice cream cone.  Hug a tree.  Watch a movie.

You are free.

Lovingly knowing,

Sandi"

Us being on the upward spiral is all we have to give anyone.

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Surrender -- The Ultimate Control!

Recently a family member was hospitalized for some serious medical complications.  The lack of answers, the delays in surgery, and the continued decline were not creating a hope filled atmosphere around the situation.  After three weeks of delays the surgery was finally scheduled, however, by this point decline and exhaustion had taken its toll.

As the days ticked by I could hear my Death and Dying college lectures and required readings returning to me loud and clear.  I was reminded of the importance of every relationship feeling complete and at peace each time we part company.  And so I knew, that if by chance the surgery and recovery did not go as expected, my desire was that I had left nothing unsaid and undone.

I am continuously delighted at how when my intention is clear things move to assist me. After this clarity the opportunities I was requiring to say and do what I needed to be complete seemed to all line up in a perfect order, and before long I could feel immense peace around my relationship and the situation.

Within this experience, and the purpose of this sharing, a miracle happened, a light was turned on, a knowing created.  Knowledge that has been written about before and most definitely will be again, and yet is no less impacting each time it is told – Surrender is the ultimate control.

As I made the decision not to leave anything unsaid or undone, it opened the door to the question, “What is it I am wanting to say and do?”  The answer to that cannot help but come from an immense acknowledgement that one day this person will no longer physically be here.  As I began to fully embrace and allow this truth to hit full impact an incredible wave of energy began to flow.  The more I allowed the energy the bigger it got, until if felt like tidal wave proportions.

Now, as this storm builds it is easy to want to change ones mind regarding allowing this stuff to have its way.  One begins to feel out of control with outbursts of tears in the most inconvenient places, and doing forgetful uncustomary stumbles contrary to ones usual together persona.  It becomes very easy to say, “I think I've changed my mind and I’ll deal with what is unsaid and undone at a later time,” (but, that’s how those things become unsaid and undone).

Yes, I was shutting off the energy periodically to try and create some normalcy; however, when I did I discovered something.  When I stifled the energy, although it temporarily stopped the tears and I became more functional in every day life, I also began to feel more sorrow or grief around the situation, which eventually comes back as tears anyway.  However, when I took the brakes off the energy, when I released the strangle hold grip I would put on it to try and create control in my life, when I surrendered to that which wanted to be expressed, I was left with dosages of love and appreciation I had never before felt in my life towards anyone or anything.  And as I flip flopped back and forth between allowing the energy and resisting it, I realized, “Its all the same energy!”

The sorrow and grief and the love and appreciation was all coming from the same source, it’s just sometimes I was allowing it to be all that it was, and other times I was attempting to mute it.  It was me holding back that created the grief.  It was me not allowing the incredible appreciation that we are capable of that was leaving me feeling empty and sad.  It was me embracing and moving with this powerful energy that turned it into love and appreciation.  A miracle had happened.  I had allowed my sadness to become the love it had always been.

It turns out I am in control.  Ironically my true control comes by making the choice to surrender, to not hold back all that I am and allow the tidal wave to flow through.

Thanks Dad, you’ve taught me more than I’ll ever be able to express.

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Wadaya mean 'Expect A Miracle'?

On this particular day I was wearing a pin that said “Expect A Miracle”.  During the course of the lunch we chatted with our server, and at one point she sweetly, and honestly, and for most people, accurately shared that she doesn’t like “Expecting A Miracle” because when it doesn’t work out she gets disappointed.

I remember my feeling of frustration at her comment that she didn’t “get it!”  But honestly, at the time, I couldn’t put my finger on how it could feel yucky to her and so good to me.  So the question is, what was the difference between her perception of the pin and mine?

It is no news flash to say that all events, comments, and actions can be interpreted or seen from at least two points of view.  That’s why we have sayings such as “there are two sides to every coin.”  This situation is no different.  Some look at the saying “Expect a Miracle” and what they feel is “I’m hoping, but doubting, that someone, or something, will come along and change this situation for me.”  And as the waitress expressed, that feels terrible!  And then others look at the saying and feel “I know that I can see this a different way.”  As Marianne Williamson says in A Return to Love, a miracle simply means a change in perception.  So, if I am expecting a miracle, it means I am remaining open to the possibility that at any time during my day there may be another way to perceive something that will be nothing less than miraculous.

For example, not to long ago I dropped my husband off at the airport and it just happened to be during one of our winter blizzards and the airport just happens to be 15 minutes south of town on the highway.  The roads were clear but visibility was lacking somewhat.  After dropping him off, I merged back into the traffic that was heading back to the highway, behind a black sedan.  As the traffic increased speed, the black sedan remained at a parking lot pace.  At first I was O.K. with it, “surely this driver would speed up as they got farther out on the open road.”  But it didn’t happen. 

I was trying to be patient as we sauntered along.  “The access road is only a few kilometres before we reach the highway, how long could it take?”  The problem with ‘trying to be patient’ is it means I am already in resistance and heading down the downward spiral, and I could feel the frustration growing.  The reduced speed felt like it had gone from the cautious to the ridiculous, and I was just waiting for the opportunity to get by, which wasn’t going to happen until the highway.  We reached the highway access, which is a cloverleaf merge, and the corner slowed things down even more – merging into highway traffic was not going to be possible.  At my earliest opportunity I pulled to my left and began to pick up speed and pass so that I could be into the traffic safely before I saw any lights coming (remember visibility was low).  As I passed the sedan I glanced at the bumper and saw a rental sticker.  BOOM! -- the miracle happened. 

Like a flash of lightening my perspective turned 180 degrees and I saw this person with different eyes and a different heart.  It struck me that this was probably a non-Albertan.  I even imagined that this person was probably from a non-snowy part of the world and here they had arrived in a strange place in the middle of a Canadian snowstorm.  Now, this may or may not have been the truth, but that was the new perception that dominated my mind.  Immediately the voice in my head changed to things like, “You’re doing just fine.  You just go whatever speed you are comfortable with and you will be O.K.  Don’t let us pushy Albertans rush you into going faster than what you are comfortable, and you will get to where you are going, no problem.”  My heart was filled with encouragement and appreciation for this person’s courage to take on something that even seasoned winter drivers can find uncomfortable.  No longer was there impatience or frustration – a miracle had happened.

Did I want this miracle for the driver’s sake?  Not really, I did it for me because I wanted to feel good, I wanted to be on the upward spiral, I wanted to let ‘who I really am’ dominate my experience.  Do others benefit from it?  You bet.  First there was no road rage displayed in that moment (which under the circumstances could have created an accident).  And second, I didn't carry frustration and impatience into the rest of my day AND EVERYONE BENEFITS FROM THAT.

Now, that may seem like an insignificant, minute occurrence, but you have a few of those a day and you’ll have had a miraculous day.  And the stuff that that incident is made of is no different than what goes into creating great relationships with family members, co-workers, or people on the other side of the world.

“I am expecting a miracle,
because I know I can see this in a different way!”

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Will The Real Me Please Stand Up.

We’ve probably all heard it before, “Know Thyself!”  This 2600 year old inscription, from the Delphic Oracle, still has us pondering, “What does it mean, what does it take to 'know thyself’?

Does it require years and years of introspection?  Not necessarily.  Do I need to hire a professional to examine me and give opinions?  It’s an option.  Should I be asking family and friends?  Probably not.

What it does take is honesty.

Recently someone shared with me what I thought was an excellent example of knowing thyself.  What profoundly impressed me was this person’s willingness to be honest with self, to know thyself!  So, I asked if I could share her example. 

This story involves a work situation where Nicole (not her real name) had moved from a front line job to a management position.  We usually call these changes ‘promotions’ because they are meant to indicate progress forward; advancement; something we are expected to want; a reward we are worthy of when we have done a good job.

As with most new ventures there are changes to make, new things to learn, and things with which to challenge ourselves.  Nicole took on all these.  Her duties changed, where she was spending the majority of her time changed, what she was able to be involved in changed, and while some of these changes were enjoyable, others were not. 

As time passed, Nicole noticed some gentle alarms going off in her life.  You know the kind, we have all experienced the not sleeping well, the low energy, the decreased excitement/fulfillment in our day, the snapping at our children or spouses.  These, however, can be easy to ignore until their sheer volume begins interfering in our lives.

Wisely, over a few months, Nicole questioned and assessed her situation and was honest enough to realize that she preferred the work of her front line role.  As much as she wanted to succeed in her management position her ability to deny that her heart was calling her to have more client contact, was gradually fading.

The challenge with this kind of honesty is that all intelligence seems to resist.  Our minds say, “returning to the old role will be a step backwards.  It will mean I have failed, that I was unable to do the work.  It will mean I am not smart enough, experienced enough, do not have the leadership qualities to be that kind of person.  I will never get ahead.  I am limited to only being good enough for this one thing.”  In actuality none of this is true.  It just means I am owning who I am -- I’m knowing thyself. 

Once I admit what I really want, I am then in a place to expand and evolve comfortably and joyfully.  Trying to expand and evolve as someone I am not is very painful.  I often use the example of imagining if Wayne Gretzky had felt obligated to excel as a dentist.  You may giggle at that image, but that is no more absurd than you trying to make yourself be someone you are not.

Now, it is one thing to admit something like this to ourselves, but it is quite another to admit it to others and take action on it.  We can be challenged by sharing our truth because we don’t know what the reaction of others will be (What will family, friends, and co-workers think?  I don’t want to disappoint, lose respect, become less worthy of their love or pride.)  My financial security will be effected (How will we cover all our expenses and do the things we want to do?) And our image will forever be effected (I am wanting to be more important than this.)  Out of fear, many of us may stay in situations because we are just not willing to be honest with ourselves.  Besides, what’s the point in rocking the boat . . . right?

Well, the point in being honest with ourselves is THE PAYOFF IS HUGE!  To own who I really am, to embrace it, to allow the true me to be expressed, takes me to experiences I crave.  Self honesty opens doors that may have appeared to be creating safety, but in actuality were only traps of self-imposed image.  When I am honest about who I really am I can follow the curiosity that resides within, with childlike enthusiasm.  I can realize the abundance of delicious moments that await me in every one of my days.  I can spontaneously giggle, and pose questions of intrigue, and appreciate the beauty in the smallest of things.  I can slow down and see the usual in a brand new way.  I can love so unconditionally that I forget another’s faults.  I can experience excited anticipation about new ideas.  I can feel enthusiasm about the creations and achievements of others.   I can dance without embarrassment.  I can laugh loudly.  I can share my love openly.  I can know that all is well.

And, what about Nicole?  Well, immediately upon making her decision she felt RELIEF, her symptoms began to subside, and others even commented that she looked better.  And perhaps the most exciting and surprising result from her honesty was the response of a few co-workers.  Not only were they supportive and congratulatory, her self honesty inspired them to deepen their degree of self honesty and Nicole’s decisions were not the only ones to be implemented within the organization.

Nicole may not be sure how all the changes will be handled, for example her decrease in pay.  Without a doubt, knowing thyself can feel like you are jumping empty handed into the void.  However, already there are other opportunities popping up for Nicole.  And perhaps more importantly, she is confident about the future because there is an inherent faith that comes from being honest with myself.

What does it take to ‘Know Thyself’ it takes  honesty, Courageous Honesty!

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