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Jokes

(It's ALL Clean!)


To me, all jokes are public domain.  If you didn't want someone to repeat something, you probably shouldn't have made the funny.
No jokes on my page are meant to be offensive.  If you chose to take offense to any of my jokes, well, the joke's on you.

As this is quite a vast variety of jokes, I could totally see myself making spelling/grammar/repetition errors.  If you see any of these mistakes that bug you, or you have a joke that would fit quite well on my website (by "fit well" I mean something that's going to be funny being read in addition to being heard), please contact me.

 

Ad Bloopers Adam and Eve Jokes

Animal Jokes

Airplane Jokes
Beggar Jokes

Blonde Jokes

Criminal Jokes

Doctor Jokes

Engineer Jokes Fisherman Jokes

Food Jokes

Fun With Words

Gates of Heaven

Genie Jokes

Grocery Store Jokes

JAWS Jokes

Jim and Joe

Lawyer Jokes

NAIT Jokes

Pastor Jokes

Product Jokes

Quote Humour

School Jokes

Selkeman's Jokes

Signs

Smogarian Jokes

Vehicle Jokes

WoW Jokes

 

Ad Bloopers

Short but sweet advertisements (also see Signs):
  • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
  • We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.
  • Dog for sale:  eats anything and is fond of children.
  • The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
  • Stock up and save.  Limit one.
  • Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.
  • Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!
  • Christmas tag-sale:  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
  • Wanted:  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
  • Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
  • Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
  • And now, the Superstore--unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
  • Dinner Special:  Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
  • Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.
  • 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.
  • We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
     

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Adam and Eve Jokes

It's easy to make fun of the first two people to ever live.
 

  • Q:  Where would man be without women?
    A:  In the garden of Eden.
     

  • Garden of Eden:  where the first woman ate the first man out of house and home.
     

  • Adam knew all the languages in the world.
     

  • Q:  What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?
    A:  It's Christmas, Eve.
     

  • Adam at one point was the smartest man in the world.
     

  • Q:  Why did God create woman last?
    A:  Because He didn't want to be told how to do it.
     

  • Eve was the most beautiful woman in the world.
     

  • How could Adam and Eve be in their "birthday suits" when they were never born?
     

  • The most "new world records" was set by Adam.
     

  • Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage.  He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way her mother cooked.
     

  • TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE (This is under a Joke section: these jokes aren't factual, but are meant to entertain)
    10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.
    9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.
    8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
    7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.
    6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
    5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.
    4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
    3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
    2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone." He only ends up getting himself in trouble.
    1. When God finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
     

  • Adam was in the garden of Eden bored one day.  So he asks God for a companion someone to keep him company.  God replies, "how about I create something called a woman?  She will be absolutely beautiful, completely breath taking. You'll find yourself irresistibly attracted to her.  She will always be optimistic and cheerful. Always happy to serve you. She will cook and clean for you, give you massages, tell you how amazing you are, watch sports with you, and never nag or complain."
    Adam responds with great joy, "wow, that's amazing!  I would love that!"
    God. "Well it's going to cost you."
    Adam. "How much?"
    God, "an arm and a leg."
    Adam, "well. . . what can I get for a rib?"
     

  • Did Adam and Eve have bellybuttons?

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Animal Jokes

  • Two fish were in their tank.  One fish said "I'll drive and you man the guns."

  • A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
  •   As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my windows out and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

    The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

    The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda": "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin.  Eats shoots and leaves."

  • A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about five days.  One hot day--actually, they're all hot--he comes to the home of a preacher.  Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.  The preacher takes him in and nurses him back to health.  Feeling better, the man asks the preacher for directions to the nearest town.  The preacher tells him the directions, and offers to lend him his horse to make it.  The preacher says, "However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." 
Anxious to get to town, the man says, "Sure, okay" and gets on the horse.  He says, "Thank God" and sho 'nuff, the horse starts walking.  A bit later he says louder, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting.  Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God! Thank God! THANK GOD!" and the horse is soon up to a full run!

About then he realizes he's heading for a huge cliff and yells "Whoa!" But the horse doesn't even slow! It's coming up REAL QUICK and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.  "Whoa, stop, hold on!" Finally he remembers "AMEN!!!"

The horse stops a mere two inches from the cliff's edge, almost throwing him over its head.  The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle.  "Oh!" he says, gasping for air, "Thank God."
 
  • A farmer was selling his horse to a city man.  The farmer was saying, "I got to warn you, this horse don't look so good."

    "What are you talking about?  This is the finest looking horse I have ever seen!  I'll buy it!" the city guy said.

    So the farmer agreed to sell the horse.  A week later the city guy came back complaining, "this horse that you sold me is blind!"

    "That's what I told you before you bought it," shrugged the farmer, "that horse don't look so good."

     
  • Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.  In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

    "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

    Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

    "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question.  Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

    Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

    Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.  I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.  Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?"

     
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

     
  • Peter Rabbit and the Energizer Bunny got into a fight.  The police came around to investigate.  One was later charged with battery.  Someone mentioned that was probably just a bad hair day.

     
  • What has more lives than a cat?  A frog.  It croaks every night.

     
  • A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the mutt replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.  The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.  The owner says, "Ten dollars."

    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    The owner replies, "He's a big liar.  He didn't do any of that stuff."

     
  • A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.  One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she's lost.  Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.  The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!"

    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.  "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey?  I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

     
  • It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

     
  • A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

     
  • This man walks into a pet shop. Sees a parrot perched on a stick in the corner.  The only thing is, this parrot has a red string on the left leg, and a green string on the right leg.

    So the man asks the owner why the parrot has those strings on it's legs.

    "Sir," says the owner, "this parrot is a very special parrot.  If you pull the green string, he speaks Spanish.  If you pull the red string, he speaks French."

    "Wow!" says the man.  And then he gets curious. "What happens if I pull both strings at once?"

    The parrot screeches "I fall of, you idiot!"

     
  • A farming couple had a friend come and visit.  They took their friend on a tour of their farm.  A three-legged pig caught his attention.
    "Why does this pig only have three legs?" asked the friend.
    "This pig saved our farm!" answered Mrs. Farmer.
    "How did he do that?"
    "Well, one night the barn was struck by lightening, and started on fire.  That pig started squealing so loud that it woke us up and we were able to rescue the animals from the barn and put out the fire," answered Mrs. Farmer.
    "That's pretty impressive, but how did that pig lose his last leg?"
    Mr. Farmer answered, "a pig that special you don't eat all at once
    ."
     

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Airplane Jokes

Do you ever have that "funny" feeling when you are on planes?  These jokes should be funny and are about airplanes.
 
  • Announcement in a airplane:  "We are pleased to announce to you that you are participating in the first fully-automatic flight.  There are no pilots aboard this plane.  This plane is run only on the perfect technology of computers.  With this in mind, enjoy your flight, since nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...wrong go...wrong go..."
  • A pilot's voice goes over the intercom on an airplane.  "We are now half-way between London, England and New York.  I hope you are enjoying this smooth, peaceful flight over the Atlantic Ocean."
    No more than two minutes pass when the pilot's voice comes over the intercom again, "I want to let you know that one of our four engines has broken down.  Don't be alarmed, we are perfectly safe.  We will just arrive at our destination a half an hour late."

Soon after that, again the pilot's voice is heard on the intercom, "A second engine has just broken down.  We are perfectly safe flying with the remaining two engines, but we will be another hour and a half late at our destination."

A few minutes later, the all-too-familiar voice of the pilot came over the intercom, "Due to the loss of our third engine, we will be four and a half hours late when we arrive at our destination."

When a passenger saw the fourth engine go down, he groaned, "Oh, shoot.  Now we will probably be up here all day!"

  • A man hijacked a plane.  Doused in gasoline, he threatened to set himself on fire.  He was immediately escorted from the plane.  There was a rule against smoking on domestic flights.

  • "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.  In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
     
  • Airline pilot after a particularly rough landing: "Sorry, folks. That wasn't the pilot's fault...it wasn't the airplane's fault...that was asphalt!"
     
  • Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
     
  • Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that.

    The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

    The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

    The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

    As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

    Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Tony, one of these days they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
     

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Beggar Jokes

You don't like these kind of jokes?  Well too bad, beggars can't be choosers (or can they???).
 
  • A beggar sat on the side of the street crying, "Money for the blind!"

    A stranger stopped and said to the beggar, "It must be awful being blind.  But look on the bright side, at least you aren't lame."

    "Yeah," the beggar agreed, "when I was lame, I got way less money!"
     

  • There was once a beggar that everyone thought that they could take advantage of.  When somebody offered him either a nickel or a dime, the beggar would always take the nickel.  When someone asked the beggar why he wouldn't take any dimes, the beggar replied, "If I took the dime, people would stop giving me nickels."
     
  • A passing stranger felt sorry for a man next to a sign "I'm blind, please help."  He pulled out his wallet and tossed the beggar a bill "here, have a twenty."

    "That's not a twenty, that's a five."

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Blonde Jokes

See Smogarian Jokes as well.
  • Did you know that there is a new paint color out?  It is called blonde.  It's not very bright, but it sure attracts a lot of attention!
  • There IS easier things than finding an intelligent blonde:  like nailing jello to a tree, for instance.
     
  • A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons.  She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall shiny horse springs into motion.

    It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.  Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.  The horse gallops along seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

    Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

    Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.  She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.  As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-mart manager, runs out to shut the horse off.
     

  • Q:  What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
    A:  Pull the pin and throw it back.  (In the name of good humour and to lessen the violence of the joke, we'll just say that you and the blonde are just pretending to be in a war).
     
  • Once a blonde came up to the river.  She yelled to the person across to the other side "how do you get to the other side of the river?"

    The blonde across the river called back "you are on the other side of the river!"
     
  • Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

    As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

    After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
     
  • A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately.  To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

    She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

    She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.  Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground.  Signed, A blonde."

    The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.  The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.  The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
     
  • Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.  Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.  So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!  Helllooooo?  It's been a year! (I told him.)  There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He never called back.  Guess I won that stupid argument.  I bet he felt like an idiot.
     
  • Brunette:  Aren't you going to work?
    Blonde:  No, why should I?
    Brunette:  It's Monday.
    Blonde:  That's impossible!  My phone plan says I have unlimited weekend minutes!
    (Okay, I admit it, I borrowed this one from the awesome comic strip "The Duplex")
     

Criminal Jokes

Who says you can't find humour in being in trouble in the law?
 
  • One night, a mugger with a gun jumped into the path of a well dressed man and stuck the gun to his ribs. "Give me your money," he ordered.
    "You cant do this!" The man proclaimed, "I'm a member of parliament!"
    "Okay, then give me my money"

     
  • Two criminals made a big stack of artificial money.  The bills looked really authentic.  They were the right texture, and the detail of the bill was exquisite.  There was only one problem with the bill, they had accidentally made 18-dollar bills.  One man had an idea on how to save their operation.  "We'll go to some town in the hills.  Those towns are so in the middle of nowhere and they have no idea of what is going on in the real world."

    So they drove quite a while until they got to a spot seemingly in the middle of nowhere.  They did their best to look for a town with no electricity.  They entered the general store of the village and strode up to the counter.  In the corner of the store there was a table with a group of old men playing cards.  One of the old men got up and went behind the table.  "What can I do ya for, boys?"

    "Actually, we were wondering if you could give us change for an 18-dollar bill," the first man said casually.  He gave a thumbs up sign to his partner as the old man made his way to the till.

    The man opened the drawer and asked the two criminals, "now, did you want your change in three sixes or two nines?"

     
  • A vertically challenged witch escaped from prison:  she was a small medium at large

     
  • A prisoner was set free.  He was so excited that he exclaimed "I'm free!" as he went along.  As he passed a little kid he exclaimed "I'm free! I'm free".
    The little kid that he passed was unimpressed.  He said "So what?  I'm four!

     
  • A man who the king found favour in got himself in serious trouble.  He committed a crime which was punishable only by death.  The king said to the man, "I don't really want you to die, but the law is the law.  I'll let you choose the way that you die."
    The man said, "I choose to die of old age!"

     
  • An applicant was filling out a job application.  When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."  
    The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

     
  • The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."

    Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job.  If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

    Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000.  He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

    The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.  The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.  The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.  The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."

    The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

    The deaf signs in reply, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

    The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

    The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

    The deaf man signs in reply, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

    The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

     
  • Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.  To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it -- you take it."  

    For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.  He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal - looks to good to be true - so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50."

    The next day someone stole it.

     
  • Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want very badly to capture him."

    Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

     
  • After robbing a lingerie store, the criminals gave the cops the slip

     

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Doctor Jokes

  • Patient:  Doctor, I feel like no one is taking me seriously.
    Doctor:  No, really, what is your real problem?

     
  • Patient:  You've got to help we with my terrible memory problem.
    Doctor:  Sure, I think I can fix that problem.
    Patient:  What problem?

     
  • A man who suffered a serious heart attack and had to have surgery.  He found him self in a the care of nuns.  During the care of nuns, one of them asked him who will be paying for the bill.
    "Do you have health insurance?"
    "No," he said.
    "Do you have money?"
    "No money."
    "Do you have any relatives who could help?"
    "I only have a spinster sister," he replied, "and she's a nun."
    "Nuns are not spinster, they're married to God."
    "Then send the bill to my brother in law."

     
  • Patient:  Doctor, you've got to help me out!
    Doctor:  That shouldn't be too hard, which way did you come in?

     
  • A doctor gave a guy only six months to live.  When the man didn't pay his bills, the doctor gave him another six months.

     
  • A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"  The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

     
  • Nurse:  Doctor, doctor! The man you've just treated collapsed on the front step!  What should I do?
    Doctor:  Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!

     
  • A young doctor was just setting up his first office.

    His secretary told him there was a man to see him.  The doctor wanted to make the man think that he was successful and very busy.  So he told his secretary to show the man in and at that moment he picked up his phone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient.

    The man waited patiently until the "conversation" was completed.

    Once he hung up, the doctor asked, "Can I help you?"

    To which the man replied "No, I'm just here to connect your telephone."

     
  • A man was on deaths door - the doctors pulled him through
     
  • A man was beginning to believe that his wife had developed a hearing problem.  However, he didn't want to ask his wife about it as to potentially offend her.  So during his visit with his doctor, he asked him what he could do to test out if his wife's hearing was still good without making it too obvious.  "You go to her and talk to her from forty feet away.  Then you move closer to thirty feet and ask the same question.  Move in closer and closer until you are sitting by her, then you will know from how far she can hear you."

    So the man went home and called out to his wife from the door, "What's for dinner, dear?"  She didn't respond, so he moved closer and asked again.  Still no response, so he moved even closer.  And when she still didn't respond, he sat by her and asked, "what's for dinner, dear?"

    She turned to him exasperated and replied, "For the fifth time, chicken is for dinner!"

    (Taken from Ted Dekker's "Tea with Hezbollah" book)
     

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Engineer Jokes

  • An engineering student was walking to his dorm from classes one day when a toad jumped into his path.  The frog surprisingly spoke, "stop, good sir.  If you kiss me I'll turn into a princess."

    The engineering student thought a while, then stooped up to pick up the frog.  Instead of kissing the frog, however, the engineering student proceeded to place the frog into his backpack.  The toad cried in horror, "stop, kiss me and I can be your wife!  Or your girlfriend!" 

    The student ignored the frog's plea's and only let it out once he had reached his dorm, "maybe you didn't want anybody to see you doing something weird in public," the toad said, "will you now kiss me and turn me into a woman of your dreams?"

    "Nah," came the reply, "I'm an engineering student.  I don't have time for any relationships right now.  But having a frog is pretty cool."

     

  • Five engineers and five mathematicians happened to be planning on going on the same train together.  As they were waiting for the train, the intellectuals got into a good-natured discussion on the importance of their professions.  The mathematicians said that counting was everything, and the engineers countered saying you needed to know what to do with what is given to you.  When the engineers revealed that they only had one train ticket out of the five of them, the mathematicians laughed at them for not being able to count.

    As they got on the train the mathematicians were sure that all but one of the engineers would be kicked off the train.  However, when the ticket collector started making his rounds, all the engineers squeezed into a bathroom stall.  The ticket collector didn't ignore the stall, but knocked on it saying "ticket please!"

    The engineers pushed their single ticket under the crack in the door and the ticket collector was on his way.  Needless to say the mathematicians were a bit disappointed.

    On the return trip the mathematicians happened to be once again travelling with the engineers.  Now knowing the engineer's trick, the mathematicians smartly figured that one ticket was cheaper than five.  So the mathematicians only brought one ticket along.  They were shocked when the engineers didn't have any tickets with them.  Figuring this was the end of the engineers, the mathematicians confidently strode into the train.  When they heard the ticket collector was coming, they piled into the bathroom stall.  One of the engineers strode up to the bathroom door and knocked on it, saying, "ticket please!"


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Fisherman Jokes

  • A man was enjoying a peaceful fishing trip, when he noticed another boat not far way.  The boat was approached his, and a the man inside it asked, "How is the fishing?"
    "Not bad, I already caught fifteen fish," came the reply.
    "Really.  Do you know who you're talking to?"
    "No, who might you be?"
    "The game warden."
    "Do you know who you're talking to?"
    "I don't rightly know," answered the game warden.
    "The biggest liar in the county."
     

  • Two deacons wanted to welcome Greg, a new member of their church.  They decided it would be a good idea to take him fishing.

    The three men had just rowed a little ways into the lake when one of the deacons exclaimed, "I forgot my tackle-box!"  He then stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water to the shore.

    The other deacon then said, "I forgot my fishing-rod," and walked on top of the water to the shore.  Greg was worried that he was obligated to walk on to of the water as well.  "Uh...I forgot my fishing license!"  And with that, Greg stepped out of the boat and into the water.

    While watching Greg swim to shore, one deacon said to the other, "I think we should have told him where the rocks were."

     

  • Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em; He'll clean 'em.

     

  • A man was leaving a river well known for its fishing.  He had an ice box full of water and live fish when a game warden came around.
    The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
    "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license.  These here are my pet fish."
    "Pet fish?"
    "Yep.  Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while.  Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
    "That's crazy!  Fish can't do that!"
    The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth.  I'll show you.  It really works."
    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
    The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.  After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
    "Well, what?" said the man.
    "When are you going to call them back?"
    "Call who back?"
    "The FISH!"
    "What fish?"
     

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Food Jokes

  • She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.  Then one day she met a guy and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this to carry on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.  Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.  On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand.  Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.  So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. 
      
All the way home she putt-putted.  And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.  Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"  He then blindfolded her and lead her to her chair at the table.  She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.  He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.  He then went to answer the phone.
        
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.  It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  
   
She took her napkin and fanned the air vigorously.  Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.  Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.  When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself. 

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned.  Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured that she did not.  At this point he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!  There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
 

  • Time flies like an arrow,  fruit flies like bananas.

     
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

     
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

     
  • The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.  He was 71.

    Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.  The grave site was piled high with flours of every kind.  Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a figure who never know how much he was kneaded.

    Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but in his later life was filled with turnovers, and critics often panned him.  He was not considered a very 'smart cookie', wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.  Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

    Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus one they had in the oven.  He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.  The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. (this joke sounds better heard then read)

     

  • A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

    The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

    "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

    "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

    "Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken!  Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?  I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

    Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

    "Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

     
  • A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

    The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

    He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

    The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:  "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

     
  • A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights"

    The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.  What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

    "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."

    "Oh," says the waitress.  She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

    The guy says "What are the beans for?"

    The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."

     

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Fun With Words

This section includes tongue twisters and other odds and ends involved with words in general.
  • Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.  Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.  Hpoe you ejoneyd tihs mssegae.

     
  • Say the word COW before each word.

    1-Cows
    2-About
    3-Talking
    4-fool
    5-This
    6-Got
    7-I
    8-Long
    9-How
    10-Look

    Now say the word Cow AFTER each word
    1-Cows
    2-About
    3-Talking
    4-fool
    5-This
    6-Got
    7-I
    8-Long
    9-How
    10-Look

    Now say the word COW before AND after each word
    1-Cows
    2-About
    3-Talking
    4-fool
    5-This
    6-Got
    7-I
    8-Long
    9-How
    10-Look

    Now Read just the words upwards from the bottom.
    1-Cows
    2-About
    3-Talking
    4-fool
    5-This
    6-Got
    7-I
    8-Long
    9-How
    10-Look
     

  • HOW TO WRITE GOODER
    Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:
  • 1. Avoid alliteration.  Always.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
    4. Employ the vernacular.
    5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
    7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    8. Contractions aren't necessary.
    9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    10. One should never generalize.
    11. Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
    13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    14. Be more or less specific.
    15. Understatement is always best.
    16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
    17. One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
    18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
    20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    22. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    (Since I got how this how to write gooder from Mikey, it might as well be fair to advertise his website:  Go to Mikey's Funnies)

  • The definition of a farmer:  A man outstanding in his field.

     
  • One dark day in the middle of night
        Two dead boys got up to fight
    Back to back they faced each other
        Drew their swords and shot each other
    A deaf policeman heard the noise
        Went out and shot those two dead boys
    And if you don't believe this story
        Just ask my blind grandmother
    She saw it all

  • Ladies and Gelyspoons,
    I come before you to stand behind you,
    To tell you of something I know nothing about.
    There will be a ladies meeting for men only
    On Thursday, the day after Friday.
    There will be chairs, so bring your own.
    There is also no fee, so you will pay at the door.
    Dress formally for this is a casual night.
    Thank you and no thank you

  • Try saying toy-boat 5 times.
  • If you say the word "elephant" slow enough, it sounds like "gullible" (it didn't take me long to figure out how to accomplish this feat).
     
  • Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
     
  • You can verb anything if you word it right.
     
  • What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway.)
     
  • This was developed as an intelligence test by a research and development department at Harvard University.  Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.  The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

    1. This is this cat
    2. This is is cat
    3. This is how cat
    4. This is to cat
    5. This is keep cat
    6. This is an cat
    7. This is old cat
    8. This is person cat
    9. This is busy cat
    10. This is for cat
    11. This is forty cat
    12. This is seconds cat

    Now go back and read aloud the THIRD word in each line from the top down to determine your intelligence.

     
  • It is preferential to refrain from the utilization of grandiose verbiage in the circumstance that your intellectualization can be expressed using comparatively simplistic lexicological entities.
     
  • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

    This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
     
  • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
     
  • Local Area Network in Australia:  the LAN down under.
     
  • More on how to write gooder:
    1.
    If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
    2.  Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
    3.  Employ the vernacular
    4.  Don't never use a double negation.
    5.  capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
    6.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
    7.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
     
  • Lymph:  to walk with a lisp.
     
  • Gargoyle:  olive flavoured mouthwash.
     
  • Flatulence:  emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
     
  • Balderdash:  a rapidly receding hairline.
     
  • If it's not about elephants... it's irrelephant.
     

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Gates of Heaven

The common fictional picture of St. Peter standing at the gate, is like I said, fictional.  Peter was a follower of Jesus, an apostle.  He wasn't some being to be worshiped, he would hate this and point to Jesus.  As an additional note, the Gates of Heaven (and there is more than one according to the bible), will look so stunning, and they will always be open.  The actual judging takes place before one reaches these gates.  The nonChristians probably won't even have the privilege of even glancing at the marvellous/spectacular view of the Gates of Heaven.  That being said, these jokes are well out of any kind of true context.
 

  • A lady who was on her way to heaven met up with St. Peter at the gate.  "I'm sorry," said St. Peter, "but you'll have to pass a test in order to get into heaven.  Don't worry, its not that hard of the test.  You need to spell the word 'love.'"
    "L-O-V-E," the lady spelled out rather easily.
    "Good, your in.  Can you do me a favour?  I need to go back and get something so will you just stand here and do my job for me?"
    "Sure," the lady agreed.  St. Peter left and pretty soon the lady saw a man coming up the road.  When the man got close, the lady said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to pass a test in order to get into heaven.  Don't worry, its only a spelling test."
    "What word do I have to spell?"
    "Czechoslovakia," the lady said to her husband.

     

  • A man met up with St. Peter at the gate to heaven.  "I'm sorry," said St. Peter, "but you can't take anything with you past this point.  If you don't abide by those rules, than you're going to have to go to the other place."
    "NO!" the man scream in anguish.  "Can't I carry this one bag in?"
    "Sorry, either you let go of that, or you can't come here."
    "Fine then, I won't go here.  I can't leave my bag."
    "You're loss.  Before you are escorted to the other place, do you mind showing me what's in that bag?  I'm rather curious what you're not willing to give up in order to get into heaven."
    The man shrugged and started opening the bag that was twice as big as he was (literally).  Out spilled more gold than you have seen in your entire life.
    "PAVEMENT!!??!!  You were willing to go to hell for pavement??!!"
     

  • One day in 1999, St. Peter called Bill Clinton, Colon Powell, and Bill Gates up to heaven.  He said to them, "I've called you here because you are the three most influential spokespersons in the world.  Go back to Earth and tell everyone there is a God, but he's blowing up the world tomorrow."

    So, Bill Clinton went back and said, "Fellow Americans, I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is there is a God, and the bad news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow."

    Colon Powell went back and said, "I have some bad news and some good news.  The bad news is there is a God and the good news is he's blowing up the world tomorrow."

    Then, Bill Gates went down, gathered up all his computer buddies on the internet and said, "I have some good news and some good news.  The first part of the good news is I've been voted one of the three most influential spokespersons in the world.  The other good news is the Y2K problem is solved."

     

  • Forrest Gump eventually died of a shrimping accident.  St. Peter was at the pearly gates to greet him.  "Hello Forrest, its good to see you in real life.  Unfortunately, I have some bad news for you.  Because of the lack of space in heaven, we are required to give an entrance test.  Are you up for the challenge?"
    "I reckon if I'm not ready now, I won't ever be ready."
    "Okay then, here's the first question.  Can you name me all the days of the week?"
    "Sure, that's easy.  Yesterday, today, and tomorrow."
    "Well...I suppose that works.  The next question is a bit harder.  How many seconds are there in a year?"
    "That's not too hard.  There's twelve of them."
    "Twelve?" St. Peter asked puzzled, "How are there only twelve?"
    "Its simple really, January second, February second, March second, and so on."
    "Fine, this is the last question.  It's a bit difficult, however.  What is God's first name?"
    "It's Andy."
    "Andy!!?!  Where did you here that?"
    "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own."
    "You've just barely passed the test.  Before I change my mind:  run, Forrest run!"

     

  • A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
    "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.  So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!'"
    St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
    "Just a couple minutes ago."

     

  • A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter says to this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

    The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

    Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

    Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

    "Just a minute!" says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"

    "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept.  While he drove, people prayed."

     

  • A small girl came up to her mother one day, and asked, "Mom, don't men go to heaven?"
    Slightly amused, and curious the mother asked, "why do you ask?"
    "Because in all the pictures of angels, none of them have any beards.  Don't any men make it to heaven?"
    "Yes dear," the mother answered, but then quickly, "but it's always by a close shave."
     

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Genie Jokes

I originally shied away from putting genie jokes on my website.  The reason being, is that genies remind of demons.  Any being with supernatural power comes from either God or the Devil.  And since there is nothing Christ-like about genies, they must be demonic.  This knowledge in mind, these are jokes, they aren't meant to be true, but funny.
 

  • A group of three friends were in a small rowboat floating around in the middle of the ocean.  They were losing hope of ever seeing land.  They spotted a bottle floating in the ocean, so they rowed their way towards it.  A bit of effort was needed to pop out the corkscrew in the top of the bottle.  But since they didn't know what possible valuable substance may be inside of it, and since they had nothing better to do, they persevered in opening it.

    "Poof!" Out of the bottle came out a genie.  "HELLO FRIENDS!" The genie greeted the three young men warmly, "I'm not sure if you know this, but I am a genie and you just released me.  Because you have did me this favour, I will grant you each one wish."

    "Me first," declared the first young man, "I wanna go home!"  And sure enough, he was teleported to his home.

    Seeing how instantaneously the first man disappeared, the second one thought before speaking, "Forget home, I want to appear in Las Vegas with ten million dollars in spending money!"  As he wished, he was zapped to Las Vegas with all the money he could hope fore.

    The third guy wasn't as much of a thinker, "I'm kind of lonely now, I want them both back!"

     

  • A young man was just wandering around when he stumbled over a magic lamp.  Out of this lamp popped out a genie.  The genie greeted him, "congratulations, you found me!  You now get three wishes!"

    Now the young man was a greedy man, and used up his first wish instantaneously, "I wish I was a billionaire."

    "But of course," replied the genie, "just to make things easier the money appeared in your bank account."

    "Um, okay," the man wanted to actually see his next wish, so he was a bit more careful. "Right here in front of us I want you to make me the largest mansion in the world, belonging to me!"

    "Your wish is my command," replied the genie, and the mansion appeared the man just as he wished.

    The man knew that this money and mansion could be wasted away quite easily if he was foolish, so he stated his final wish, "I want to be irresistible to all women."

    "Poof!" The man turned into a pile of chocolate.

     

  • You ever wonder why nobody in the movies wishes for more wishes?
     

  • A couple in their sixties were celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary.  As one of the gifts, they received a magic lamp.  While the woman was off talking to other people, the man snuck over to this present and rubbed it.  Out warped out a genie.  The old man said, "shh... quiet now.  I figure I should get at least one wish.  I love my wife, but I wish I was married to someone thirty years younger than me."

    With a nod of the genie, the old man was transformed into a ninety-two year old!


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Grocery Store Jokes

I decided instead of having a different section for each one of the places I worked at, I'll save myself a minimal amount of effort and make things a bit more organized by making it all one big section.  The following jokes one may be relate to if you worked at any grocery (or retail in general) store.

  • You get asked, "do you work here?" when in full uniform (see my comic "Stupid Customers" for more dumb questions)

  • When something doesn't scan, the customer without fail, will annoying say, "it's free"

  • You know what "facing" means

  • You know how to check if something is in the right spot

  • You no longer think "hay" when you hear the word "bale"

  • The customer will undoubtedly swipe their debit wrong.  Then they will undoubtedly say "every machine is different," when really, there is only two ways to swipe a card, plus the new ones that read the chip, so in reality, only half or two thirds of the machines are different.  Posting a sign that says "stripe goes out --->" in big, pink, bold letters will, in fact, decrease the amount of incompetent swipers down by 50%.  This sign will by no means eliminate the occasional customer who will try swiping their card without actually putting the stripe into the machine.

  • You will inevitably say at least once, when starting your break, "there's nothing to eat in this store!"

  • When you are stacking something on the shelf that is low to the ground, and you are on your knees, you hear an old timer say to you, "say one for me while you're down there!"

  • You know the difference between a pallet jack and a fork lift

  • You are constantly putting away items that customers are leaving in the most random places in the store

  • Customers think they are on a first name basis with you just because you are wearing a nametag with your name on it

You may have reached a position in management if...

  • You know what a "sku" is

  • To you "gross" is something that's desirable but annoying at the same time

  • Customers believe you when you give them answers

  • When you think you reached the position that you have people working for you, you realize just how much you are actually doing the bidding of other people

  • You hate paperwork as much as a student does

  • When you sit in the office it doesn't mean you're in trouble

  • You don't think twice putting in free overtime

  • You scold random strangers on a regular basis

  • Its a bonus when you get to take your break

  • When someone finishes their intercom announcement with "thank you" you say "you're welcome."
     

Hamars AG Foods, Lac La Biche

There once was an AG Foods store in Lac La Biche.  Since it was owned by the Hamar family, people called the store "Hamars."  The store closed down on October 24, 2009, forcing me to go job searching once more.  Still, working at this store will have always been my favourite job.  Here is some jokes that I thought up about Hamars during my time there.  Don't worry if you don't get the jokes, they're probably inside jokes anyway.

You know you're at Hamars when:

  • The coffee room has a nickname of "the Iron Lung."
     

  • The customers know more about where to find the product than the part-time stock boys.
     

  • When you say "I quit," you actually mean either "I'll stop working here until this manager leaves," or "I'll be back if I can't find another job."
     

  • You see a "Special" sticker above the signs that say "Employees only."
     

  • The stock boys are trained in at least two other departments.
     

  • You can't go a week without seeing a drunk customer in your store (worse yet, customers aren't the only people you'll see drunk in the store)
     

  • A sign saying "Return Carts Here" is ignored on a regular basis.
     

  • You may see a sale on an item which is only one cent cheaper than the original price.  If you really keep your eyes open, you may even spot a sale which is up to fifty cents two dollars greater than the original price. (I've actually seen a sale sign that showed a savings of -99999.99, but needless to say I didn't put that glitched out sign into the store)
     

  • Hamars' safety meetings happen on a regular basis. (Definition of a Hamars safety meeting: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.  For more info, see my comic: Safety Meeting).
     

  • Name tags are a pointless part of the dress code.  Customers will still ask you "do you work here?" even though you are wearing an AG foods T-shirt, black dress pants, black shoes, a nametag that says "AG Foods" beside your name, and you are stocking items on the shelf (true story, happens to me on a regular basis).  I highly doubt wearing that "AG Foods" baseball cap will help my case at all.  The people who know you work there still call you by your brother's name. (A month after the store cloed I was helping my mom at her job.  I didn't work there, I wasn't wearing any kind of uniform or greeting the customers in any way.  But people assumed I worked in the store from watching me and asked me where stuff was without first asking me if I worked there.  Go figure.)
     

  • You hear the paging system being used as walky-talkies.  What's worse is:  when the customers are gone, its used as a microphone to test out one's musical vocal sounds.  Another use for the paging system:  megaphone.
     

  • The cashier (among other people) forgets to hang up the paging phone.  This resulted in a few things:  the music wasn't playing anymore (good riddance), you could still hear the cashier giggling over the intercom, and all the customers in the store (it was rather busy that day) almost heard profanity spoken.
     

  • You see a sign that originally read "No thefts will be tolerated," now proclaiming, "No!  Thefts will be tolerated."  A sign that originally read "You are not locked in," now reads "You are not locked in!" (this particular sign was in the milk cooler.  I found it amusing that the same sign had the same vandalism done to it in the Sobeys store I started at after Hamars closed down)  Pens come in handy for things other than writing in your hours.
     

  • The garbage can in the coffee room is always full.
     

  • The delivery van is used to move around everything from shopping carts to BBQs (both of which we don't sell at the store), to car-less employees' movies (thank you bro).
     

  • The delivery van is used as a taxi to drive employees home. (twice I used the delivery van to drive myself home and keep it there over the night.  To make matters more interesting, the roads were icy and full of deep snow, and the empty delivery van had next to zero traction.  Needless to say I was quite happy when I made it safe and sound without incident. . . those two times)
     

  • A $1200 repair job is done to a $400 delivery van.
     

  • The "For service first," decal on the van actually means "whenever the stock-boy can somehow remember to do the delivery, find the groceries, and manage to safely reach the location without forgetting the potatoes on the bottom of the cart."
     

  • I put through one customer through a till who bought $1742.07 worth of groceries.  That's a personal record!  Biggest order I ever put through my til. . . you ready for this?  $4000.18  !!!
     

  • A net is put over top of the deli meats in a situation when the deli personnel don't get around to wrapping it (they should have stuck with keeping the part-time deli guys who do nothing half the time, it's not their fault they get everything done right ahead of time).
     

  • All pears are Bartlett  (Code: 4409).
     

  • All oranges are Large Naval (Code: 4012, 3107 - cashier better pick the right code during sales)
     

  • The candy dispenser machines haven't been refilled since the day they were added to the store (and no, they're not empty).
     

  • A sign in the coffee room reading "Coffee is free" conveniently lacks a limit.
     

  • A good day is when everyone shows up.
     

  • Contemporary Christian music plays on the busiest shopping day of the year (two days before Christmas).  No complaints or comments from any of the customers or employees.  It made my 12 hour shift that day tolerable (there is no sarcasm in this sentence).
     

  • The door opens automatically for you to exit the store, but you have to push or pull a door in order to go into the store.  This really encourages people to shop there.
     

  • You find the "Hawaii Bugle" in a box of papayas dated October 11, 1996.
     

  • You hear employees being called down to the front but their nicknames (nicknames like "angry-bear" or "slim")
     

  • The delivery boys' get used to delivering to names rather than addresses
     

  • The delivery van is driven into the back warehouse so its radio can be used to listen to the hockey game
     

  • You hear singing coming from inside the milk cooler
     

  • What's in store for Hamars is not exactly the same as its Destiny
     

  • You see a chick-a-dee sitting on top of a Pepsi sign (needless to say, we didn't chase that one out like we did the bat)
     

  • The forklift is used as a snowplough
     

  • The toilet paper in the basement is fashioned into a castle . . . with a secret entrance
     

  • When some one exclaims "that Guy!" you know exactly who they are talking about
     

  • The cashiers are rotated (first in, first out) as fast as the food on the shelves
     

  • You see a cashier standing up on top of her counter when she hears someone saw a mouse
     

  • You see a cashier "helping" the Coca-Cola guy that she think's is cute
     

  • You almost get ran over by a stockboy riding a pallet jack like a skateboard
     

  • You hear a dry ice bomb going off

You know that at least one of the Selke boys is at Hamars when:

  • You hear Contemporary Christian music being played

  • The managers are happy

  • The cashiers are happy

  • The customers are (relatively) happy - - most of the time

You might be a cashier at Hamars if you:

  • You spend more time talking to your cashier friends than scanning items

  • You can't go a day without hearing the incredibly lame joke "it must be free" when something doesn't scan through right

  • Recognize 95% of the customers

  • Hear the customer complaining that "all the debit machines are different," when clearly, only HALF of them are different, because there are only two ways to swipe the card.  (That's the part where I smile and nod, saying "look at this this way, you get a 50% chance of getting it right")

  • Work with a new cashier every two weeks

Many thanks to various people besides myself for the next ones:

  • You know French Fry worked the weekend in the meat department when you come in on Monday and the counter hasn't been updated in three days.  (And yet, our meat department still remains the best one in town!)
     

  • You hear a cashier paging the customers, trying to get them to leave at the end of the day
     

  • You are approached by a customer wondering what kind of tomatoes "lbs" is
     

  • You hear explicit insults over the intercom (better yet, so does the speaker's wife)

Alternate punch-lines: 

  • Here at Hamars, we're short cashiers . . . in more than one way

  • Welcome to AG Foods, where the employees may not always see eye to eye with you, but they'll always put customer service first on their list.

Just to explain this comic a bit to those people lucky enough to have never been to Hamars, "Customer Service" is Hamars' version of an express lane.  Oh yeah, it's also used to help all those people who (for some strange reason) like smoking cancer or gambling (yes, I'm talking about buying lotto tickets).

 

Sobeys Lacombe

I figured since I spent a significant amount of time there it was about time I shared some humour related to that store.  As with my Hamars jokes, there is are a few very inside jokes.  You may work at Sobeys Lacombe if...
  • You can whistle almost as good as your managers
  • You come across an (unmoldy) block of cheese which expired five years ago
  • Four o'clock is five o'clock - aka "Canadian Time"
  • You know who the kitty cat man is (oh yes, I went there... decided not to go further)
  • There is two other co-workers with the same first name as you
  • You push around shopping carts with cup-holders in them, even though "all drinks must be paid for prior to consumption"
  • You get a play by play of someone using the washroom while eating your lunch
  • Stockboys are called "courtesy clerks."  I don't know, maybe it's like that every where.  Still seems weird
  • You have a brother, sister, father, mother, etc. working with you
  • You wear a green apron - and like it
  • You work with at least one pregnant co-worker


Buy-Low Foods, Calgary

I loved this place too much not to post some jokes about it.  You may work at Buy Low Foods, Calgary, if...

  • You don't just fill milk, you kill it
  • You don't make mistakes, you fumble
  • You don't have staff meetings, you have huddles
  • You have a customer that doesn't know that our neighbouring province is in the same country as we are
  • You know who "coupon Dan" is (hint, look for the guy putting expired product he bought last week onto the shelf and taking good product off)
  • You see as much adults as little kids using the "customer in training" baby carts
  • You need to wear a cowboy hat at least once a year
  • Everyone, including the guys, are forced to wear pink
  • Your store's money isn't the same as its Kash
  • Your store's risk isn't the same as its Chance
  • You get asked where the rice is at least once a week
  • You know what "okra" is
  • You break a bottle of Roses Grenadine while filling pop
  • The customer you are serving knows more than one language
  • You can "feel" things scan

If you liked these Buy-Low Foods jokes I wrote a silly song on the store:  "Get Low at the Buy-Low"

 

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JAWS Jokes
 

The high school that I graduated from was known as JAWS.  Its more expanded name is:  J. A. Williams High School.  Click here to go to the school's website (which I once renovated).  There is lots of things I can say about this school.  Too bad I'll have to cut my list short so I don't offend anyone.

You know you're at JAWS when:

  • If someone says, "where's the flood?"  The correct reply is, "upstairs." (actually, the first floor was flooded too, but I didn't get to see that because they cancelled school that day).
     

  • It's mullet time somewhere (sorry, very, VERY inside joke).
     

  • Napoleon Dynamite wins Marti Gras (I don't care what the records say, Taber won - but we will NEVER forget Barker).
     

  • You hear "are you going to class?" it doesn't mean "hurry up."  It means "are you going to class today, or are you skipping with me?"
     

  • The Phys. Ed class takes place everywhere but the school gym.
     

  • A good day is when there is still soap and paper towel left in the bathrooms.
     

  • Diplomas are written to background music of drilling and hammering.
     

  • You see students text messaging students in the same class about how dull this "no cell-phone policy" speech is getting.
     

  • You see students slaving away in computer class during a fire drill (maybe I don't know the whole story, but they sure weren't moving towards the doors like the rest of the school).
     

  • Dramas gone wrong is dramas gone right:  "The Lady Pirates of Captain Bree" would not have been worth my money if it wasn't for all the singing off-key, knocking over the back walls, saying lines at the wrong times (or missing them completely), audience leaving at the wrong time (twice), messing up accents, scenes being played in the wrong order, laughing uncontrollably at the guy in the dress and paper stuffed down his chest (the paper wasn't in the script), and fake violence which was actually real.
     

  • Speed bumps are conveniently placed so students can veer around them (or use them to test their shocks).
     

  • The school movie is finally made at 2:00 AM of the day that its supposed to be played.  No big deal?  You're right, they only had the whole previous semester to make it.  It's not their fault they chose this time to do nothing.
     

  • The substitute teacher "accidentally" shows the class the wrong movie which is not educationally oriented (I say no more...at least on my website).
     

  • Gambling is not allowed (I just had to rub that in).
     

  • Four different Phys. Ed. classes are conveniently scheduled in the same time slot.  JAWS has one (or less) gym.
     

  • There is a "Live Simply" week to encourage students not to bring items to school that were already banned from the classrooms.
     

  • Coat hangers are used for teachers and students desperate to watch the Olympics on TVs without antennas.
     

  • The bells are louder than the fire alarm (people watching a movie in class were oblivious to all the people heading towards the exits during a fire drill).
     

  • Balding teachers' sons beat them up their fathers during a Grad vs. Teacher hockey game (that was the first time I've ever seen a ref have a penalty shot).
     

  • You get cherry pies in your locker from secret admirers.
     

  • You hear corny Oilers jokes on the intercom every morning.

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Jim and Joe

I am trying very hard to categorize all my jokes without having a section called "Odds and Ends".  That is partially why I have a section called "Jim and Joe".  You might even want to check out Quote Humour.
  • Joe:  Did I tell you the joke about the socks that didn't match?
    Jim:  No.
    Joe:  That is probably because I don't tell off color jokes.

     
  • Joe:  Did you hear the joke about the man on the roof? 
  • Jim:  No.
    Joe:  It is probably way over your head anyway.

     
  • Joe:  Did you hear the joke about the chocolate chip cookies?  That one was crummy.

     
  • Joe:  I'll bet you $5 that I am not here
    Jim:  Okay
    Joe:  Am I in New York?
    Jim:  No
    Joe:  Am I in Japan?
    Jim:  No
    Joe:  If I am not in any of those places than I must be somewhere else.  And if I am somewhere else, I can't be here.  So hand over the 5 dollars.
    Jim:  I can't give it to you if you are not here.

     
  • Joe:  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't your thing!

     
  • Joe:  Anything not worth saying these days is sung
  • .
    Jim:  I could not agree more!

     
  • Jim:  Did you here about the optimist that fell off the top of the Empire State Building?

  • Joe:  No.
    Jim:  Some lip readers with binoculars were able to spot him saying as he fell: "So far, so good!"

     
  • Joe:  Hey, Jim.  Great to see you.  You're in a fine mood today.
    Jim:  Yeah, lately I've been a lot of worrying.
    Joe:  Then what happened?
    Jim:  I hired a couple of professional worriers to to my worrying for me.
    Joe:  Really!  How much are you paying them?
    Jim:  About eight grand per day.
    Joe:  Wow!  That's a lot of money.  How are you suppose to pay them?
    Jim:  That's for them to worry about.

     
  • Jim:  Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
    Joe:  Who knows?  Who cares?

     
  • Joe:  Do you have initiative?
    Jim:  That's one word I've always meant to look up.

     
  • Joe:  I've told you this before!  Don't repeat yourself!

     
  • Jim:  Can I ask you a question?
    Joe:  You just did.

     
  • Jim:  I'd tell you the one about the pencil, but it doesn't have a point
     

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Lawyer Jokes

Before you read any of these jokes, take into consideration that I have nothing against lawyers.  I switched some of these jokes to Smogarian Jokes.
  • Q:  How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.

     

  • Q:  Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
    A:  It's called Sosumi.

     
  • Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!
 
  • The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”
The man said, “Here and there.”
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man said, “This and that.”
The judge then said, “Take him away.”
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.
     
  • 95% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!

     
  • A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died.  They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment.  They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

    Then, they get to see where they're going to live.  The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

    At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

    By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake?  This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

    The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

     

  • Q:  What's the difference between a run-over lawyer, and a run-over dog?
    A:  The dog has skid marks in front of it.
     

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NAIT Jokes

I did get some post-secondary education after I graduated.  For two years I took the program "Chemical Engineering Technology" at NAIT (Northern Alberta Institute of Technology).  You might be in my class if:

  • You take nominal 7 minute breaks
     

  • You can think of your favourite teacher randomly in reverse order of intelligence
     

  • You "do the hoops."
     

  • "Nice" pills are the best things since Scooby Snacks
     

  • "Flanges" sound so entertaining. . . well, it depends who says it
     

  • You get scared by the sight of a purple marker
     

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Pastor Jokes

Before reading, make sure you understand that these jokes ARE NOT stereo typical of all pastors.  I definitely have nothing against pastors.  Knowing this, please enjoy these jokes.
 
  • Pastors have the art of talking in somebody else's sleep!

     
  • After seeing an elderly man fall asleep during his sermon, a pastor said to the congregation, "Those of you who want to go to hell, STAND UP!"
  • The elderly man, being asleep, only heard the words "STAND UP" as he woke up.  So he stood up.  As  he gazed around him, he realized that nobody else was standing up.  Thinking quickly he said to the pastor, "Pastor, I don't know what we are voting on, but it looks like you and I are only ones for it!"

  • Seeing a young lady asleep during his sermon, the pastor said to a girl beside her, "Could you wake your sister up?"
    "Oh, no," the little girl disagreed, "You put her asleep, YOU wake her up!"

  • Doctor's son (greatly stretching the truth):  My dad can come home from an operation with a million dollars!

    Lawyer's son (also greatly stretching the truth):  My dad can come home from a case with two million dollars.

    Pastor's son (not to be outdone):  My dad makes so much money, it takes four men to carry all of it!

     

  • Doctor's son:  I can be sick, and it'll cost nothing.  So I can be sick for nothing.
    Pastor's son:  Well... I can be good for nothing!

     
  • A while after an elderly lady moved into the area, a kind neighbour decided to visit her.  He was right away welcomed in and soon enough he and the lady had a conversation going.  While talking, the man noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table in front of them.  This man had a very big craving for peanuts, he simply loved them.

    "Do you mind if I have one peanut?" the man asked the lady.  The old lady was very reluctant, but finally she gave in and let the man have the man have a peanut.  But one peanut led to another, and another peanut lead to the rest if the bowl finished.  When the man was leaving he offered to replaced the peanuts.

    "No, no," refused the lady, "Every once in a while I have a craving for chocolates.  I just happened to have a bunch of chocolate covered peanuts, but since I don't have any teeth, I just sucked the chocolate off the peanuts and put the peanuts in the bowl."

     

  • A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

    The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17.  Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

  • A recent survey compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor:
    *Preaches exactly 12 minutes.
    *Frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
    *Works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
    *Makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor.
    *28 years of age and has been preaching for 30 years.
    *Wonderfully gentle and good-looking.
    *A burning desire to work with teenagers, but is always with the senior citizens.
    *Makes 15 daily calls to church families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, evangelizes the unchurched, and is always in the office when needed.

     
  • A pastor woke up Sunday morning, and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.  So, he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to do the sermon for him that day.

    As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the pastor headed out of town to a golf course about fifty miles away.  This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.  Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.  After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.

    At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

    Just then the pastor hit the ball and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.  It was a 420-yard hole-in-one!  St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

    The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

     

  • A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.  The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

    "But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

    "Because," the gentleman replied, "I didn't need one then."

     

  • So it seems that these four ministers had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.  One day, the odd pastor out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

    "Oh, Lord!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!  Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

    It was a beautiful, sunny day.  As soon as the minister finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.  It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"  But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

    So the pastor prayed again:  "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong.  So please, Lord, a bigger sign!"

    This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

    "I told you I was right!" cried the minister, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

    The Pastor was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

    The minister put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?!"

    "So," shrugged one of the other pastors, "now it's 3 to 2."

     
  • A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.  The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station.

    Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

    "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay.  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

    The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business."

     
  • The pope was getting a ride through the city when he got tired of always having to sit in the back of a limousine.  He told his chauffer to stop and let him drive.  The pope was well on his way when he ran a red light.  A police cruiser happened to be on patrol, and it pulled over the pope.
    The officer was just about to give a ticket, when he noticed who was driving.  He phoned up his superior officer.  "Hey boss, you'd never guess who I just pulled over."
    "Who?"
    "I don't know for sure, but he must be pretty important.  He has the pope for his driver!"

     
  • One Sunday a pastor found several letters awaiting him.  He opened one and found it contained the single word, "Fool."

    Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: "I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter."

     
  • Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

     
  • After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

    "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?

    "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it'll be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

     
  • As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.  The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions.  I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

    I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.  I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.  The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.  I poured out my heart and soul.

    As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelation.

    I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.  As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Man, I ain't never seen nothing like THAT before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

     

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Product Jokes

I'm the kind of guy who can easily see the humour in things.  Even on simple products here and there:
  • Found on a Campbell's soup can:  Half fat. (half of it is fat!!??!)
     
  • Ever wonder why people buy those small little bottles of Evian water?  Try spelling Evian backwards:  Naive.
     
  • Flatulence proof underwear.
     
  • Diamond Shreddies!  Such a great commercial.
     
  • Bottled Volvic water. . . it just sounds funny
     
  • High definition glasses - how can you get more high def than real life?
     
  • Performance enhancing carton of cigarettes - I'm not sure if I read the packaging right...
     

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Quote Humour

Mostly just odds and ends.
  • "I would give my left arm to be ambidextrous."
  • "I used to be conceited, now I'm perfect."
     
  • "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
    wrong answers."
    ~ A Bit of Fry and Laurie
     
  • "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a
    voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
    ~ Charlie Brown
     
  • "It's been proven in laboratory tests that nobody in the world smokes.  Nobody smokes, only the cigarette smokes.  The person is the sucker, that's all."
     
  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."
    ~ Groucho Marx
     
  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
    ~ Oscar Wilde
     
  • "There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
    ~ Calvin and Hobbes
     
  • "Just remember, if this world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!"
     
  • "Show me where Stalin was buried, and I'll show you a communist plot."
     
  • "What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
     
  • "One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider."
    ~ Jerry Seinfeld
     
  • "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
    ~ Dick Cavett
     
  • "Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate."
     
  • "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
    ~ Brooke Shields
     
  • "The cool thing about being famous is travelling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff."
    ~ Britney Spears (who lives in the USA)
     
  • "I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
    ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
     
  • Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
    ~ Groucho Marx

 

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School Jokes

Little kids spend almost half of their days in school, so something funny is bound to happen every once in a while.
  • Teacher:  Name 2 Swedish Cities
    Student:  Okay, I'll name one George and the other Fred.

     
  • Teacher:  If there is twenty cookies, and I take two of them, what is the difference?
    Student:  That is what I would say, what's the difference?

     
  • Teacher:  If you had $20 and your sister gave you $60, and your father gave you $30, what would you have?
    Student:  A bunch of new computer games.

     
  • A teacher wanted to prove to the class that no one was dumb.  She said, "if anybody thinks they are dumb, stand up." After a while a boy stood up. "Jimmy, you are one of our top students, how could you say that you are dumb?"
    "Well, I felt sorry for you standing up there by yourself, so I stood up too."

     
  • "Boy, you must be on the bottom of your class," a father said to his son after looking at his poor report card.
    "That's okay dad," said the boy, "they teach the same stuff at both ends anyway."

     
  • If College Students Wrote the Bible:
    *The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
    *The Ten Commandments would actually be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.
    *New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
    *Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
    *Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
    *Reason Cain killed Abel:  They were roommates.
    *Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
    *Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

     
  • As long as there are tests, there will prayer in public schools.

     
  • It was the final examination for an introductory English course at a university.  Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class.  The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.  The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

    Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

    "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

    "Yes I will," replied the student.  He then took a seat and began writing.

    After two hours, the professor called for the exams and the students filed up and handed them in--all except the late student, who continued writing.

    Half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class.  He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

    "Oh, no you don't!  I'm not going to accept that.  It's late."

    The student looked incredulous and angry, "Do you know who I am?"

    "No, as a matter of fact, I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

    "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" the student asked again.

    "No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

    "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and briskly walked out of the room.

     
  • The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
    Little Johnny interrupted, "My dad looked back once, while he was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and he turned into a telephone pole"

     
  • LETTER FROM COLLEGE...

    Dear Dad,
    $chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
    Love, your $on

    REPLY FROM DAD....

    Dear Son,
    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh.
    Love, Dad.

     
  • "Sally, can you spell 'water' for me?" The teacher asked.
    "H I J K L M N 0," answered Sally promptly.
    Her teacher look puzzled. "That doesn't spell "water."
    "Sure it does," said Sally. "My daddy's a scientist and he says water is H to O."

     
  • Student:  Don't you know that 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions?

     
  • TEACHER:  Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    MARIA:  Here it is!
    TEACHER:  Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
    CLASS:  Maria.

     
  • TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE:  Me!

     
  • TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
    MILLIE:  I is...
    TEACHER:  No, Millie... Always say, "I am."
    MILLIE:  All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

     
  • A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"
    "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
    "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
    "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
    "What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
    The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

     
  • Things to do at exams (You should not attempt these things during an actual exam.  The following is meant for entertainment purposes only:
    1. Bring a pillow.  Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.  Wake up, say "oh boy, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.  Turn it in a few minutes early.
    2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
    3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form.  If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.  Be creative.  Use the integral symbol.
    4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam.  Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
    5. Talk the entire way through the exam.  Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
    6. Walk in, get the exam, sit down.  About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this.  I've been to every lecture all semester long!  What's the deal?  And who are you?  Where's the regular guy?"
    7. Bring a Game Boy (or PSP, etc. . . ).  Play with the volume at max level.
    8. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question.  For example:  I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.  Be creative.
    9. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
    10. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
    11. Do the entire exam in another language.  If you don't know one, make one up!  For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
    12. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
    13. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
    14. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it.  As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
    15. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false.  If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
    16. Bring a black marker.  Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
    17. Get the exam.  Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
    18. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.  Claim that you have been to every lecture.  Fight for your right to take the exam.
    19. Bring a water pistol with you.
    20. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.  If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
    21. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
    22. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
    23. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
    24. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point.  Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
    25. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
    26. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

     
  • A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.  However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

    A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah right."

     
  • A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
    "Yes," the class said.
    "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
    A little fellow shouted,  "Cause your feet ain't empty."

     
  • Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
    Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
    Bobby looked up and innocently replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
     

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Selkeman's Jokes

I know there isn't such a thing as being completely original.  However, as far as I know, these jokes originated in my mind.  I also came up with the Hamars, NAIT, Comics, and WoW Jokes.
  • I grew up in Lac La Biche.  It's a growing town roughly two and a half hours north of Edmonton.  There's a few things about it that I though I might as well stick down in this this section.  You know you're not in Lac La Biche anymore when:
    • You don't see a significant number of jaywalkers
    • Main Street isn't lined with angle parking on both sides
    • There's lines in the middle of the roads (which is handy)
    • The place where you live can be pronounced properly first try (Lac La Biche is pronounced "Lack La Bish")
    • The managers of the stores don't recognize all their customers
    • You have a nearby Tim Hortons Or McDonalds
    • You're high school football cheerleader team is actually made up of popular girls (like all the movies and books)
    • You can buy a video game in a video game store for somewhat of a decent price
    • Your theatre has a larger screen than the one you have at your house (okay, maybe I went just a little bit overboard with that one - just a little bit)
    • A train passing through town doesn't clog up half the streets with waiting cars
    • During school hours, your town/city's population doesn't increase by 25%
    • You have a swimming pool to go to other than one attached to a college
    • You don't have a section of town labelled "sesame street"
    • There is more than one bus with the same number on it
    • There are busses that aren't yellow
    • You don't recognize every single person that you pass

    I know that some of these things are bound to change.  I'm not gonna change them as they do, though.  I'll leave them up so people will remember Lac La Biche like I remember it.

     

  • There are two kinds of blondes:  people with blonde hair, and people with blonde minds.  All blonde jokes are referring to people with blonde minds.  If you take offence to any blonde joke, chances are you are a person with a blonde mind.

  • The reason I only have clean jokes on this website is because I want to promote myself as a rather neat guy.

  • Q:  What is the difference between a customer and a sailor?
    A:  The costumer sees the sales, the sailor sails the seas.

     
  • I came up with the following joke-email:

    Alert!  It is very important that you read this email!
      Many computers are known to send and receive an annoying type of spam mail: It is called chain mail!
    I for one am completely against chain mail.  I want to let everyone possible know about chain mail and it's dark side.
    CHAIN MAIL IS ABSOLUTELY A VERY BAD THING!!!
    Please send this message to 5 or more people.  WARNING:  If you don't then that means that you are completely fine with chain mail and enjoy participating in it.
    This alert was brought to the attention of:
    1. Stephen Selke
    2.
    3.

     

  • Criminal in Middle Ages:  I am going to be beheaded tomorrow.
    Jester:  Don't worry, if they miss, you'll be knighted.
    Criminal (nodding glumly):  Yes, I'll still be nighted.

     
  • The Green Party wouldn't advertise using posters and billboards (it uses too much wood and wastes the trees).  Instead they would advertise their party in an email.  They would ask those who would like to share the email with others not to print it off, but to either forward it to someone else, or write it down on a scrap piece of paper.

     
  • Just a thought:  What is the point of shortening the word "sine" by just one letter that is easy enough right, and changing it to the word "sin"?  Now I really think a lot more of doing my math homework...

     
  • You know you have no life when people refer to you as the place that you work. (I went from being called "Hamars" to "Dairy")

     
  • One thing I find about beards is... it grows on you

     
  • Nowadays a schizophrenic can cover for oneself by saying, "talk to you later!"

 

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Signs

Every once in a while you might see a funny sign.  If you do, be sure to send them to me! (also see Ad Bloopers).  The starred (*) ones I've seen personally.  Other signs some one else has seen (**).  All the rest there's no guarantee that they actually exist.
  • Sign on door:  We fix anything!  Including clocks & watches, television sets, and bicycles!  Please knock hard on the door because our doorbell is not working.
  • A sign on a farmer's field states that anybody is allowed to walk across his land for free, but the bull charges.
     
  • Written in pen on the wall of a washroom stall "Vandalism is bad."  (Yeah, I know it's not a sign, and it isn't all that funny. However, I did laugh when I saw it because it's something I would write if I was a vandal)*
     
  • A Christmas sign in a stationery store:  "For the man who has everything:  A calendar to remind him when payments are due."
     
  • A Christmas sign on a reducing salon:  "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
     
  • A sign on an emergency exit, "Fire Exit!  Hold crash bar for 15 seconds to unlock!" (I'm sure someone who is burning to death will have that kind of patience)*
     
  • Donation for FOOLS:  Friends of our Library Society*
     
  • Assorted items reduced to clear (not funny eh?  How about picturing it on pink paper with hearts all over it and Valentines Day not for a long while yet.  See Hamars jokes for more out of wack things in the store).*
     
  • Do not hang from Basketball hoop.  Those who do so will be suspended.**
     
  • Do not drop cigarette ends on the floor, as they burn the hands and knees of the customers as they leave.**
     
  •  Notice Public Bar - Our Public Bar Is Presently Not Open Because It Is Closed.  Manager**


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Smogarian Jokes

Smogaria:  A fictional country substituting the use of a real country in order to rid of any prejudices.  Thanks goes to Author Bob Phillips for providing this word.
 
  • Q:  How do Smogarians immigrate across oceans?
    A:  One swims across and the rest walk on top of the dead fish!
     
  • Some foreigners were taking a tour of a Smogarian museum.  One of the tourists got separated by accident from his group and wandered into the space exploration section of the museum.  Soon he became interested in a odd-looking large object.  The label of the object read, "According to Smogarian Scientists, this is the space vehicle that was launched to the moon.  It didn't reach it however.  A Smogarian Rocket-Scientist blamed the failure on the fact that 100,000 Smogarians jumped onto the other side of the giant see-saw a tenth of a second too late."
     
  • A shepherd wanted to hire somebody to tend to a herd of sheep he had on top of a hill.  His options were to hire a Canadian, an American, and a Smogarian.  He said to all three, "I'll hire the one who can do the best job in a month.  I want all three of you up there with my sheep by next week.

    All agreed, and a week later they were all on the hill shepherding.  Two days passed when the American came down the hill because of the smell.  Another four days passed the Canadian came down the hill because of the smell.  Three days later, the herd of sheep came down the hill.

     
  • Three window washers were complaining about their lunches at the top of the CN Tower.  They were from three different countries:  Canada, America, and Smogaria.  The Canadian one complained, "If my wife makes me one more roast beef sandwich for lunch, I will jump down this skyscraper."

    The American one complained, "If my mother makes me one more cheese and lettuce sandwich for lunch, I'll jump down from here as well."

    The Smogarian one said along the same lines, "If I have one more peanut butter sandwich, I'll throw myself down from the CN Tower."

    The next day, both the Canadian and American had different sandwiches, but the Smogarian had a peanut butter sandwich in his lunch.  True to his word, he jumped to his death.  At the funeral the Canadian and American asked his wife why she made him a peanut butter sandwich.  The sobbing wife replied, "That's what I don't understand, he made his own lunch!"

     

  • A Smogarian immigrant came to Canada.  He only knew 3 phrases:  "twenty-five cents . . . yes, very fresh . . . if you don't then someone else will."   Knowing these 3 phrases got the guy a job at a grocery store.  Somebody would come up to him and ask him "how much is this bread?"  In which the Smogarian would answer, "twenty-five cents"   "Is it fresh?"   Would be replied by "yes, very fresh"   and if the customer said "I don't know if I want to buy this"    The Smogarian would use the phrase, "If you don't then someone else will".  So the customer usually ends up buying the bread.   On one event a few robbers came into the store.
    "How much is in the cash register?" Yells the lead robber.
    "Twenty five cents"
    "Are you being fresh with ME boy?" 
    "Yes, very fresh"
    "I might just shoot ya for saying that"
    "If you don't, someone else will"

     
  • Q:  How do you kill a Smogarian?                   
    A:  Put at scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

  • Q:  What do you call 4 Smogarians head deep in sand?                
    A:  Not enough sand.

  • One day a Smogarian was riding in his VW bus when he saw a guy eating grass.  He stopped, got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
    The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."
    So the Smogarian said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
    The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The Smogarian told him to bring them along.
    When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
    The Smogarian said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."

  • Why are Smogarians buried 10 feet underground?
    Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

  • What do you call 200 Smogarians at the bottom of a  lake?
  •  A good start!

     
  • A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and Smogarian brains $90.00 a pound.’
  • So he asked the man behind the cash register, “how come his brains are only worth $8.00 and a Smogarian brain is worth $90.00?”
    The man replied, “do you know how many Smogarians it takes to make a pound of brains?”

     
  • One day two Smogarians were trying to figure how tall a pole was.  The pole was wooden standing up right.  Right when they were about to give up, a Canadian fellow showed up.
    "What's the problem boys?" The Canadian asked.
    "We're trying to figure out how tall this pole is."
    "That's not a problem," the Canadian replied.  He pulled out an axe, then chopped down the pole.  "There you go, now just measure it with your measuring tapes.  That was easy, eh?"
    "That lumberjack thinks he's so smart," said one Smogarian.
    "Yeah," agreed the other, "we wanted the height, and he only gave us the length."

     
  • A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Smogarian joke?"
    The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something.  I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a Smogarian. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Smogarian.  The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a Smogarian.  Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''
    The sailor says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
     

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Vehicle Jokes

  • Three motorcyclists drove up to a restaurant, looking for trouble.  They came up to a truck driver and gave a hard time.  They spoiled his lunch and messed up his hair.  The truck driver just got up, washed his hands, and left the restaurant.  One of the motorcyclists said, "Boy that wasn't a true truck driver.  He was such a push-over.  That was no fun."

    The waiter came over and said, "You'd better believe that was no true truck driver.  He couldn't even drive his own semi.  He just ran over three motorcycles!"

     

  • Two car drivers crashed head first on a deserted road.  They both got out of the car, and stood amazed that they were both alive.  One of the drivers said to the other, "Yes! We are both alive!  I have a wine here to celebrate!"

    The other driver gratefully accepted and drank a small glass of wine. "Thank you," the man said, "why aren't you drinking some?"

    "I am waiting until after the cops come."

     

  • A large, two-engine train was making its way across America.  While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.  Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

    The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive.  The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane."

     
  • A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy--a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2.  It was the most expensive bike in the world and cost him $32,150.99.  The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin.  While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits.

    An old man pulled up next to him on a moped.  The old man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, "What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?"

    The young man replied, "It's a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2.  It costs $32,150.99 out the door."

    "That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Because this bike can go 200 mph!" exclaimed the young man.

    The old fella asked, "Can I take a closer look at it?"

    "Sure," replied the new owner.

    From his moped the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine.  Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do.  He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.

    Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror.  It seemed to be gettingcloser!  He slowed a little to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH!  Something whipped passed him going much faster.

    "What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?" the young man thought to himself.

    Then just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him.  WHHHOOOSSSHHH!  It went flying by him again going in the opposite direction!  It almost looked like the old man on the moped!  How could that be, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror!  WHHHOOOSSSHHH!  KABBBLAMMM!  The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the read end of the young rider's pride and joy.  The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer.

    Of course the moped was crushed and the old man was lying on the ground pretty beat up.  The young man ran over to him and asked,  "Are you hurt?  Is there anything I can do for you?"

    The old man groaned and replied, "Yes, could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"

     
  • What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

     
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

     
  • Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?" 

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

    The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 119."

     
  • San Diego, California...

    A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.

    "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

    "Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.

    "Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a real smart-mouth when he's been drinking."

    This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

    At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in a thick Spanish accent, "Are we over the border yet?"

     
  • Two cab drivers met.
    "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
    "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

     
  • Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
    I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
    He said, "They were pedestrians."

     
  • A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down.  He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him.  Eventually a Lamborghini pulls up.

    "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.

    "I can do better than that," the man driving the Lamborghini replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem.  Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

    They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light.  Up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Lamborghini to race. The Lamborghini revs its engine and the light turns green.  They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

    The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw.  A Ferrari was racing down the road at about a hundred and twenty clicks."

    The dispatcher said, "I believe it, that's not too far out."

    The officer finished, "that's not the unbelievable part, there was a minivan chasing them, honking its horns and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"
     

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World of Warcraft Jokes

Like millions of others I may have spent a few too many hours playing the online game World of Warcraft, aka "WoW" (check out my game review of it if you want to know more about what I'm talking about).  Here is a few indicators that you play too much of (some of them not specifically) this game (some based on true stories* . . . not all of them are my stories):
  • You get frustrated if you are talking to somebody (in real life) who doesn't know what "WoW" is*
     
  • You are most bored during the hours when your server is down for maintenance*
     
  • You see an ugly person in the mall and get reminded of a goblin or gnome (I know this is mean and sad, but it also was kinda funny)*
     
  • If a buddy says, "see you in the world," you know exactly where to find them*
     
  • You accidently read "Damascus" as "Darnassus" in Sunday school class*
     
  • When you hear the words "affliction" and "guild" in church hymns you automatically get reminded of WoW*
     
  • When someone says they want to vent, your mind goes to ventrilio
     
  • You start texting WoW slang on your cellphone to your friends, such as "LF" for "looking for," or "WTB" for "Want to Buy"
     
  • You think all dwarf males have beards, and all dwarf females are ugly
     
  • The term "honour" only really means "player kills" to you
     
  • You want to punt garden gnomes
     
  • When someone mentions "BS," you think "blacksmithing"
     
  • You play WoW in your dreams*
     
  • When you hear the word "mount" you think "horse" rather than "mountain," and you know what a flying mount is
     
  • You describe cool things as "epic"*
     
  • You describe someone who loses a fight as getting "pwned"*
     
  • You think all hunters have pets
     
  • When you read about quail and manna in the bible you think about regaining health and magic points
     
  • When you're taking a beginner's course on something, the "101" looks like "lol" to you*
     
  • On raid nights you tell your family that you are busy
     
  • You no longer think that being a ninja is a cool thing to do
     
  • The term "pot" to you means "potion"
     
  • You let your two year old kid play on your WoW account to keep him/her occupied*
     
  • You accidently say "gold" instead of "dollars"
     
  • You grimace at the word "grind"
     
  • You get your chores done during flight paths*
     
  • Your favourite commercial is the one with Mr. T and his night-elf mohawk*
     
  • Someone in a conversation mentions a "speck of dust" and you wander what talents it has
     
  • You like bubbles more than a child
     
  • Leeroy Jenkins is your hero
     
  • You write poems with a World of Warcraft theme* (such as my poem: The Rogue of Death)
     
  • You spend real-world money on in-game items*
     
  • "Cataclysm," to you, is something to look forward to*
     
  • You call new people "newbs"

     

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