The Purpose of the Breast on the Human Female

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The Purpose of the Breast on the Human Female

The breasts on a human woman are truly one of nature's greatest engineering feats. They are second only to the buttocks as an impact protection mechanism. How often has a woman had her child fling a spaghetti-laden bowl from atop a high chair with more force than a medieval catapult, only to have it bounce harmlessly away thanks to her built-in deflection system? A man in similar circumstances typically finds himself with a bowl-shaped bruise on his chest.

One may ask why women have breasts, but men (well, most men) do not. The answer is simple: shoes. With the exception of a brief 70's infatuation with platform shoes, men have traditionally worn more sensible shoes than women. Women, forced to wear high heels to compensate for being shorter than men, have a greater tendency to lose their balance and fall on their faces. Stiletto heels in particular, while proven to be both an effective height enhancer and easy-to-master deadly weapon, are responsible for more gravitational mishaps than any other article of attire. It is clear that breasts evolved to provide a cushion, preventing serious injuries from such events.

The previously mentioned airbags are only one example of engineering marvels modelled after the breast. Bubble-wrap puts the same principles to use on a smaller scale. Waterbeds protect members of both genders from dream-induced thrashing about. Beanbag chairs were invented to reduce the skyrocketing numbers of domestic furniture-related injuries, primarily arising from fights over possession of the TV remote control. And the earliest protective gear for sports such as ice hockey and American football consisted of dozens of round, silicon-filled pouches, sewn inside an oversized shirt. (Ironically, these are now used to augment the natural defenses of some women.)

Protective devices are not the only inventions based on the breast, for these marvelous appendages, while primarily present for defensive purposes, have many other properties which men have closely observed for millennia. Buoys were invented after a man saw his wife skinny dipping off the back of their yacht in the Mediterranean. The yo-yo was invented after a particularly well-endowed woman was seen jogging (the sports bra had not yet been invented at the time). And baseball was invented after a woman, turning around suddenly, knocked a ball from her husband's hand and sent it hurtling through a neighbour's window.

The primary reason for the existence of the breast is clearly the personal protection of the bearer. Yet we've seen how modern civilization abounds with inventions that owe their design or inspiration to the breast. In fact, no other human appendage is more inspiring than a woman's breasts.