The Lizzard's review:
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Message (Sailor Moon) 1:00 -
This is apparently some sort of attempt to introduce the CD with a little
speech and provide an explanation for the thoroughly random assortment
of music contained within. And the explanation is what, you may ask? Well,
I have no idea, because I don't speak German. When I asked for a
translation from my best friend, a native German and a man very adverse
to all things Moon, he said -- and this is a direct quote -- "Hi,
I'm Sailor Moon, and I'm so glad you bought my CD because now I can afford
more crack cocaine. My friends and I listened to these songs after a really
hard fight, during the course of which I actually broke a nail! The
shock, the horror! Go out and buy more of my stuff, kids, I need
more drugs. Enjoy the CD!" Decide for yourself which parts of this
scholarly translation are legitimate and which are not.
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Dancing On The Moon (Sailor Moon) 4:36
- A fairly benign dance song that borrows heavily from reggae. It's not
bad, but it's not terribly memorable, either. The lyrics are banal
and the beat too awkward to inspire you to do anything but nod your head
lightly. To make matters worse, it conjures up images of the Moon Kingdom
on a pimp-sponsored cruise ship to the Bahamas. Certainly tolerable,
but best avoided unless one really enjoys such inappropriate juxtapositions.
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Planets (Sailor Moon) 2:29 -
Opera meets dance meets porn. And amazingly enough, it's a rather
pleasant combination! A slow beat coupled with an operatic chorus
and breathy, sexy female voice make this song truly distinctive. It isn't
necessarily wonderful, but it is interesting -- something that can't be
said about many of the other songs on this CD. What this song needs is
a little more pep. As it is, it's intriguing, yet slooooooooooooooooooow.
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Sailor Moon [Extended Dance Mix] (Sailor
Moon) 6:08 - Heard a German Sailor Moon soundtrack before?
Then you know this song by heart in both German and English. (This track,
incidentally, is in English.) What makes this version unique is its incredible
length. Six whole minutes of extended dance beats. There are no extra stanzas
of lyrics or musical innovations, just more of the same. A lot more.
You'll really have to love this song to make it all the way through this
track without getting bored. It's a good song, but it's not that
good. Give it a rest, guys.
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Sailor Moon [U.S. Dance Remix] (Sailor
Moon) 4:05 - And to follow up the German Sailor Moon theme, we have
the German Sailor Moon theme! On the upside, this English remix is mercifully
shorter. On the downside, this version is infinitely more annoying.
Among the song's many sins, the xylophone is particularly irritating. I
know the Europeans like to remix songs, but this is ridiculous. Can
anyone truly listen to this baloney more than once?
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Sailor Moon (Sailor Moon) 3:30
- Ah, now this is more like it. A song free of redundancy, totally lacking
in xylophones, and pleasantly full of life. The chorus is particularly
fun, using the names of most of the inner senshi in a melodic "roll call."
Even though the lyrics are in a different language, you'll be singing along
in no time. Highly recommended. There's only one mystery... Why do Sailor
Venus, Mars, Mercury, and Moon get their names used in the song, and not
Jupiter? Can someone who speaks German solve this puzzle? Poor Makoto.
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Let The Music Heal Your Soul (Bravo All Stars) 3:57 - And
now we enter that part of the various German "Die Superhits" CDs commonly
known as "complete bullpoop." From here on down, until the very last
track, the songs have nothing to do with Sailor Moon. They are merely
pop tunes that for some reason or another were recruited to balance out
the album. Although balance is a rather poor choice of words, as they only
thing they could balance out is an anorexic feather. This particular
song, sung by one of the many European teenybopper groups, is entirely
full of cheese. It starts out with a rip-off from Vivaldi's "Four
Seasons" (never a good sign), and proceeds to become a choral act that
is far too reminiscent of a New Kids On The Block love-song concert for
its own good. Find me a barf bag, and quickly.
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Cleopatra's Theme (Cleopatra) 3:51 - Ah, Cleopatra. Those
of you who live in Europe may have heard of these very scary ladies. If
you don't live in Europe, then this is the perfect introduction. And I
think you'll find after listening to this track that you wish you'd never
met. This song is the biggest load of egotistical malarkey ever devised
by any music executive. The entire thing is one big advertisement for themselves.
I quote only a snippet of what awaits: "Grab a pen and paper / write down
our name / you will realize our aim is the same / as the other / we all
have that dream to make it to the top / and when we do we know we're never
gonna stop..." God, please, stop now, before you get there, and spare
us all. Besides writing lyrics that warp the space of time of grammar,
you're way too full of yourselves.
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Shame (The Boyz) 3:33 - Holy moly, get a rhythm and stick
with it, people. The track has good message concerning the shame
that those living the life of gang crime should feel, but that message
is delivered in a horrid manner. It sounds too much like a hybrid between
rap and Christian pop. "Look into reality," the song demands. What
reality? Gang crime IS a reality, people. A terrible one, but there
it is. More to the point, what is this track doing on a Sailor Moon CD?
Are there many gangbangers that are fans of Sailor Moon?
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Never Giving Up Now (Gil) 3:17 - This song is borderline
tolerable. It has an energetic beat with pleasant guitar riffs, but the
chorus sounds a tad too generic. Certainly worth a spin, particularly on
a long drive in the car, but hardly worthy of any awards.
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Open Up Your Mind (R'n'G) 3:52 - The world didn't need a
song that made over the intro music and chorus lyrics from Seal's 1990
hit "Crazy," but it got one anyway. Did Seal really give permission for
this disastrous pseudo-remake? The less said about this freak of nature,
the better.
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Ich Liebe Mich (Basis) 3:32 - Well, if you have to have bad
pop on a German CD, you might as well have it in the German language.
The track is organized around a German woman speaking to a beat, with a
brief and admittedly smooth chorus. But the talking lady sounds too
much like a sarcastic prostitute to really go over well. Perhaps
if I knew what she was saying... No, on second thought I don't want to
know.
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Broken Wings (C-Block) 3:59 - Children of the 80s should
avoid this track at all costs. A remake of the song from 1982 --
or was it 1983 -- this track uses the background music and chorus lyrics
of the original, but degenerates into pointless and entirely unrelated
rap for the regular stanzas. It definitely doesn't help that the
chorus singers keep hitting off notes. Ouch, leave my memories of youth
alone, please!
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All I Have To Give (Backstreet Boys) 4:06 - When I first
began writing reviews of the German "Die Superhits" CDs, the British band
Backstreet Boys was relatively unknown in the US. Now, sadly, most Americans
are aquatinted with the excessively-romantic teen heartthrobs. Moreover,
most Americans will find that they are aquatinted with this song, whether
or not they realized it. And boy, it's not a pleasant realization.
Cheese cheese cheese, people. I've said it before, and I'll say it
again. CHEESE IS ONLY GOOD ON CRACKERS! Not on tracks like
this!
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La Primavera (Sash!) 3:09 - Like the Backstreet Boys, Sash!
has become more familiar to Americans these days than they might realize.
(For instance, of late a Sash! song has been used in some US Max Factor
commercials.) At least in the case of Sash! the music is halfway
decent. Sash! specializes in dance tracks, usually very good ones.
This song is no different. A happy, entertaining track, "La Primavera"
is sweet music to play while driving to work, or even when just relaxing
at home. My friend who despises dance tracks readily admits that
this tune leaves her feeling content and energized. If that's not a true
testimonial, what is?
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Baby Come Back (Caught In The Act) 3:30 - I'm not sure what's
going on with the Mexican "ay-yi-yi" singers in the chorus. Come
to think of it, I'm not that sure what's going on with this song in general.
As far as I can make out, the short version of the story is this: THE SONG
BITES. It belongs in a low-budget movie about a Cinco De Mayo party, not
on Sailor Moon CD.
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Blaue Augen (Blümchen) 3:46 - Blümchen can be counted
on to provide fun songs, much like Sash!, only more so. I'm convinced
that Blümchen drinks far too much Mountain Dew, as most of their songs
have such fast beats that no mere mortal could possibly dance to them correctly.
But who cares? They sound great, even in German. They're fun.
They're motivating. They're completely insane. Once again,
Blümchen comes close to single-handedly rescuing a "Die Superhits"
CD from complete and stunning suckness.
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Where Is Your Love (DJ Bobo) 3:52 - I reached somewhat of
a writer's block while trying to review this song. I asked my dog
Xander for help. What did he think of the tune? He responded
with a snore. I agree. Enough said. Besides, what kind
of name is DJ Bobo anyway?
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I Give (Take 5) 3:27 - These kids sound so much like the
Backstreet Boys that I wonder if perhaps they're publishing under multiple
identities. Equally mundane, equally cheesy, and equally sappy as the British
conglomerate of pretty faces, Take 5 has here rendered a song worthy only
of flushing down the toilet as fast as possible. It's so much melodramatic
diarrhea.
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Sailor Moon [TV Outro English] 0:58
- A slow, piano-based version of the English-lyric German Sailor Moon theme,
this track is actually quite nice. It's also quite brief. Why?
It's used as the ending theme to the German TV series, during which there
are no credits and thus no need for a extensive song to accompany them.
In fact, the televised version of this track is even shorter, perhaps
20 seconds at most. How do I know? I saw it myself in Berlin
in August 1998, during the showing of a SuperS series episode (the one
in which Tiger's Eye targeted Molly). I can't vouch that it has always
been used as the ending theme, but it's still an interesting fun fact.
The verdict on the CD as a whole is simple and straightforward.
Don't the Germans have standards? A few good tracks do not a decent
album make. Download the good stuff and steer clear of the rest.
(c) Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha,
TV Asahi, Toei Douga
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